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The Panthers 2023 Schoolyear Is Over

End of the 2023 School year for the Carolina Panthers and it’s time to finish that last assignment with a respectful discussion post that for some reason we all feel compelled to write opposite of how we want to communicate on a casual social media site:

Responding to David Tepper’s 2023 Season in a College Discussion Post:

Good evening, David. I hope all is well with you. While I agree with the concept of helping the offense be more efficient and aggressive, I still believe that Steve Wilks should have been promoted as the official team head coach for the future of the franchise. His passion for defense and his demand for putting people on the field who wanted to be there were obvious. However, adding Ejiro Evero to lead the defense as the coordinator was a promising move. I am confused as to what research you used to determine that Miles Sanders would be an improvement for losing Dairy Sanders and Deonte Foreman. Furthermore, we still have the same matters of building an offense for aggressive passing only to use them to get abused by using a conservative system. This seems to invite our enemies to inflicting violence too gruesome even for them. After all, like many of us in the stands, they have children too.

Some of the strengths I found with your 2023 season include hiring Adam Thielen, avoiding a trade for Jerry Jeudy, and placing Muhsin Muhammad and Julius Peppers in the team’s ring of honor. Also, adding Dan Morgan to be the assistant general manager does bring back some of the nostalgia of the team’s success twenty years ago. When there is no present to open and no future for the franchise, all we can do is treasure our past.

One of the ways I would have improved the situation in 2023 would be to prevent injuries by making the team play games in a minefield. If their legs explode, hopefully, it would decrease some of the injuries inflicted by the artificial grass. This has helped many war veterans escape dangerous circumstances in the 1900s. "Running through those explosions and cannons was a mess; a big, frightening mess of horrors I do not want to torture into my brain. But at least it wasn’t made of that Carolina Panthers football field some wacko is probably going to build in a hundred years." (Obvious, Captain, 1923).

The strategy of firing coaches midseason is a tradition of the Raiders, another team with a commitment to using failure as a repetitive teaching tool. The Chargers also implemented that strategy this season. It seems to have been a successful tool for the Jacksonville Jaguars in the past and is a fun way to watch different ways to show a live reboot series of The Little Giants: All Throw Up.

Signing the Yearbooks of the 2023 Carolina Panthers:

Dear Adam Thielen,

It was truly amazing watching you lead the team in receptions and at times being at the top of the league. I do not know how you are able to do it when the coaches forbade the ball from ever being thrown or going past the line of scrimmage. Keep up the good work.

Dear Bryce Young,

Do not let anyone get you down. You worked really hard and we are all excited for the day you and Jaycee Horn are good enough to get traded to the Buffalo Bills and take them to the Super Bowl against Ejiro Evero and the San Francisco 49ers. It has been relaxing by sleeping in the same games as you. Keep up the good work.

Dear Derrick Brown,

Congratulations on making the Pro Bowl. I appreciate how much class you maintained when you got snubbed out of playing this week in the Super Bowl when it was obvious you were good enough to get traded to the 49ers early in the season. You are a true defensive tackle. Keep up the good work.

Dear Thomas Brown,

Your commitment to uplifting the confidence of opposing defensive lines by running predictably and courageously without an offensive line will be sorely missed by 31 sets of fans around the country. Congratulations on escaping the blame throughout the season. No matter how many shots are or should be fired at you, it is obvious that many fans in the Carolinas truly miss you. Keep up the good work.

Dear Steve Smith,

Your terrific apologizing skills almost made this year seem mediocre. It almost makes up for Cam Newton talking himself out of the Pro Football Hall of Fame forever. Thanks for the good times. Keep up the good work.

Carolina Panthers 2023 Season Commencement Address:

To those who stuck it out for the hard times and the harder times, I can’t promise you it will get any better. I used to promise that. In fact, it was just last year, that I promised everyone it would get better. I learned my lesson. It can always get worse. I thought it couldn’t get worse than having no football in 2011. But then we played football in 2023. I thought it couldn’t get worse than talking about Taylor Swift. But then Cam Newton started talking at all. I thought it couldn’t get worse than giving the division away to Tom Brady. But then we gave the division away to our own former quarterback. And still we arrive to this day, where all of us appear together and proved that with enough hard work, talent, kindness, and respect, we can still maybe get nothing accomplished. We proved that. We proved it together. We quit together. We sit together. We fit together. When all of the fans abandoned us, when there was nobody to attend the games, when the weather turned colder into the winters, we pleased thousands of Buccaneers and Jaguars fans into extending the hopes of their seasons. We did not please our homes. We did not impress our families. We brought happiness to so many more people than that. We brought laughter to the hearts of a dozen opponents. With that, I am pleased to announce that the Carolina Panthers for the first time in thirteen years, will have the best pick in the second round of the 2024 NFL Draft! Go ahead. You can cheer for that! Thank you, Lord. It is because of you that the Carolina Panthers are able to have the most room for tailgating, parking, and the most leg room out of any stadium in the entire national football league. And so it took twenty years from the days of the Cardiac Cats, a stressful time of anxiety and ear trauma, that we can finally rest peacefully with "Here Quitty Quitty". Go rise now. For it is now the offseason. Think of it like the end of COVID. We can now show our faces in public again, knowing that we will not make everyone sick anymore. We can find new careers, new joys, and meet new friends. Some of us will even join new teams. Yes! Yes! Cheer for that everybody! But remember what I said about this season and about us. We quit together. We sit together. We fit together. Keep pounding sand.


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