Carolina Panthers Announce Surprise Free Agent After Fifty-Eight Yard Field Goal

After an offseason of shocking twists and turns in free agency, the Carolina Panthers unveiled a new weapon to handle those morons evil enough to try another fifty-eight yard heartbreaking field goal. The referees are trying everything they can to block the team's latest move. But the only man who will be blocking anything is the man who will be blocking everything. SCOTT STERLING IS THE TEAM'S NEWEST DEFENSIVE BACK!! The Panthers will carry him off the field on the golden stretcher after he carries the team on the field his mangled face of golden pressure. With menace in his eyes (or is that his chin in his eyes?), SCOTT STERLING! has signed a one-year deal with the Carolina Panthers after David Tepper and Scott Fitterer cleverly dressed in scrubs and holding stethoscopes to gain his trust.

"When we announced to Scott Sterling he would be required to play with a helmet, Scott was overjoyed," Matt Rhule announced.

His opening press conference with his new team was filled with amazing commitment as he flinched passionately in preparation from game day. To some, it is more than hyperbole to assume SCOTT STERLING!'s hire is an unfair advantage. Even Tom Brady considered retirement when it was rumored in the offseason that the Panthers might provide a workout to SCOTT STERLING! Ever being the leveled-headed man of pieces of brain matter in his fingers, Scott courageously telephoned Mr. Brady and offered assistance in helping him deflate all of the footballs in the games against the Panthers.

"It's not right," Atlanta kicker Younghoe complained. "This should be against the rules. Nobody can score when he's on the field."

With a heart nobody can hate and a face nobody can love, SCOTT STERLING! will be a welcome addition to the desperate Carolina Panthers.Even at those hard times when all he sees is red probably from the blood pouring from his skull into his eyes, SCOTT STERLING!'s face that appears to be carved by Civil War icon Cassius Marcellus Clay's bowie knife and punched in the hospital by Cassius Clay III's fists of poetic death, will be the face we all wish we could have.

There is nothing you can do but bask in the sheer terror of the handsome ugliness of SCOTT STERLING!

Uh no. Wait a minute folks. Hold on. We have a breaking report that the New Orleans Saints hired Forrest Gump to their roster. This could be a problem, fans.

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