The future of the Carolina Panthers has never been changed faster in a single day than it did today. The idea of being the "Owner for a Day" went to the cancerous head of Scotty Scotchwell, the latest Make-A-Wish story. It may be the last Make-A-Wish story as well. The day started normal enough. Scotty traded both Sam Darnold and Baker Mayfield for their own rookie cards to the Washington Commanders. He gave a press conference about the importance of playtime after school and limited parenthood overwatch. But after his 11 AM juice box with Littalia, his classmate, who would be a cute girlfriend if he would hurry his cheap self and get her a ring pop already, things started to take a turn in Panthers History. The boy sold the team to his own father, Joe.
Joe Scotchwell bought the Carolina Panthers for six hundred dollars, a pizza night, and a puppy, after selling the family car. Roger Goodell tried to tell him he couldn’t do that. But let’s face it. If the NFL doesn’t let a black man purchase an NFL team in 2022, how well do you think that will go? A lot of pressure has been placed on Joe to fire Matt Rhule. But Mr. Scotchwell doesn’t want to do that.
"Why would I want to look for a new head coach? It’s a lot of work to find one and I’ve worked hard enough already to buy the Carolina Panthers at a fair price."
Scotty said he would use the money to buy himself the Baltimore Ravens. But he wouldn’t tell the media what he wanted to do with the rest of the money remaining after purchasing the Ravens.
Surprisingly, Joe said even if the Panthers reach the Super Bowl, he will honor his wife, Shara’s, demands about no Super Bowl parties.
"The wedding ring matters more than the Super Bowl ring!"
It would seem like this is the only part of today that made any sense at all. But after Shara fed me some of her home-cooked spaghetti, there are many reasons to understand why Joe would love his wife more than football. Shara is one of the sweetest women I ever met. She also happens to be one of the smartest. When she cooks and she invited everybody from the whole team to her house, she can carry a conversation about religious values all day long. Everyone in the room listened. The only time anyone interrupted her or left was to invite their whole families to her house. Josh Norman was there and he invited Odell Beckham. That fight that seemed to break out in Spartanburg today had nothing to do with football. That was for Shara’s last croissant, But as you see, the fight ended. Shara had a surprise batch already secretly hidden for the boys.
We now know the Carolina Panthers will be terrible this season. The team will never be able to attend practice. That’s because Shara’s cooking and religious lectures in her home are going to be too enjoyable, long, and important for anyone to leave the table. I want to say how surprising it is to fit over seventy-five sets of families at that table in that three-bedroom ranch on Court Street and everyone still had a seat.
"Who cares about missing practice?" Ikem Ekwonu asked. "We need to hear this. Stop asking me stupid questions about football and start asking yourself important questions about your own life."
"When you said that right there," Brian Burns said to Ickey. "It touched me in parts of my chest I never felt could get goosebumps. That’s Shara, man. That’s Shara."
When asked about the sale of the Carolina Panthers and how he is no longer the owner, David Tepper, who was keenly listening to Shara admitted he forgot that he used to own a football team. We didn’t get much more information than that because he wanted to listen to Shara’s views on the works of John Bunyan.
The Scotchwells are not complete strangers to the Carolina Panthers prior to buying the team. Former head coach Ron Rivera fondly remembered them as nice people who visited frequently even though they came from another neighborhood.
"I remember when my house caught on fire. It was the Scotchwells who the first to cry. They tried to cry so close to the flames so they could help put it out. Biggest puddles of tears I have ever seen in my life."
"A lot of people do not remember this," Luke Kuechly said. "After my rookie season with the Carolina Panthers, I was averaging more injuries against opponents per game than Vontaze Burfict caused in his whole career. Shara kept me level-minded. She really got my life on track."
If anyone is interested, the Scotchwell family is holding their first family charity event on Saturday to help kids in need. Come out to Bank of America Stadium to meet the warden for a day, Jackson Douglass. Douglass is Scotty’s best friend and his Dad is currently incarcerated for blackmail.
As peaceful and loving as the story seems at this point, it is worth noting that there is some tension in the household. Apparently, Scotty Scotchwell Googled the price David Tepper paid for the Carolina Panthers in 2018 and the young man is not happy with only having gotten $600 for them. Shara is trying to console him as we speak by reminding him that Joe bought him a puppy too. Puppies become part of the family and family is priceless while football has a price tag. Let us leave with this reminder from Shara’s new book, House Rules No More Fools:
Dog tags are worth more than price tags.