Should The Panthers Tank The 2023 Season?

By keeping the guys who are putting up their best effort and living the "Keep Pounding" mantra, the Panthers are losing the ability to get better draft picks and win the Super Bowl within the next five years every single April for the next thirty years. The Panthers need to trade these selfish players and they need to do it now. Those good vibes we are bound to get from such great draft positions are essential to our mental health as we pretend the Carolina Panthers actually are supposed to have a winning culture.

For that reason, we cannot afford a running back who chooses to run in the correct endzone, wide receivers who would rather catch the football one-handed than simply let it fly over their heads, or defenders that can make a tackle. We need to argue relentlessly over players who we have no clue will actually do anything good with an NFL career. Perhaps it is time for the Carolina Panthers to fire Steve Wilks as he is trying too hard to win and it is detrimental to what the NFL's connection to the gambling community is meant to be. If Wilks actually wins, then it could mean the end of whining as we know it. That is not only poor draft strategy. It is anti-American. Just look at the past thirty years of American politics. Could you imagine if we had a brain surgeon in the White House during the pandemic or a war hero who wouldn't need to return surges of troops to Iraq and Afghanistan after leaving those areas? We must do everything in our power to fail so that we can find new careers to destroy, new victims to abuse, and new insults to hurl. Without success, all of our anger and hatred would be directed at the Saints and the referees, and they have suffered enough.

Yes Caro-Lions fans, the era of Build Back Tepper is upon us. And as long as he continues to fire coaches in the middle of the season, hire new quarterbacks to give us false hope every September, put artificial glass on the field instead of natural grass, then we can all have hope that our offense may one day live out the dream of scoring more safeties than touchdowns. We can have a defense that would only rough the quarterback if he is standing on the sideline, wearing a black and blue shirt with a leg brace. We can have a punter that finally punts the ball out of the back of the endzone behind him. We can have a field goal kicker that goes for the on-side kick even from sixty-five yards. As long as there is an Eric Reid to interrupt a coin toss, a Robby Anderson who can mumble insults at his coaches through the coconuts hanging from his hair, a Matt Rhule who can get paid Elon Musk money to coach like a Donald Trump Twitter account, and a Christian McCafferey to trade for a used shoelace, then the Carolina Panthers will have the behavior of the fans who tank their way into success.

But I must warn you. This failure is not guaranteed. For there are dangers lurking within the ranks that some actually are trying to win and that is not the Carolina way. That was the kind of thinking that brought us disappointment in every Super Bowl the Panthers played. It was the kind of thinking that made the Panthers fans spend their money on t-shirts that asked if people Got Jake? It was because the Panthers decided to Keep Pounding instead of keeping losing that one of the most successful head coaches in NFL history lost his job in 2002. Some people will never understand that people like Cam Newton prevented the Panthers from trying to get Peyton Manning in 2012. Guys like Baker Mayfield who throw touchdowns against teams on their best days make our opponents feel bad. We should all want everyone to have a good time. Without aspiring to fail, how can we ever expect the inevitable disappointment? When there are playoff games to be played, that is a waste of much needed rest in the cold, hard winters. Some Panthers would rather keep going to advance their careers instead of doing more productive things like spending time with their side-chicks or drinking at the bars with the fans who loyally attend every game shouting inspirational coaching tactics like "You suck!", "Put the cheerleaders on the field!", and "They need to fire that guy!"

We don't need to win in 2023. That would hurt our chances as we rebuild every season for the next several decades. Winning would also make it more difficult for me to buy the Carolina Panthers. And I've already saved up a hundred dollars and three pizza coupons to a great pizzeria.

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