1. A get well soon card.
We all know why the Panthers are in this loss streak. Yes it's because of our offensive line. Yes it's because of our QB. But this all started with the injury of the leader of this offense, Christian McCaffrey. Our foolish coaches ran him into the ground. They did him wrong and we should feel very badly for him. So while you are watching the Panthers get their asses kicked again on Sunday, be sure to go out and purchase him get him a Get Well Soon Card and make sure to have your family sign it. Maybe include a business card to a reputable doctor so that McCaffrey can get a secondary evaluation from someone, literally anyone, other than a Panthers hacksaw doc.
2. Burnable incense.
Let's be honest. Watching the Panthers on Sunday is an exercise in misery. I'll be real with you guys. I love this stuff. Living in a world where both of the Charlotte professional sports team are balling is a world where I'm entirely confused because I have no one to dump on. But I know the rest of you guys who have more hope in your hearts are miserable so I have some advice for you on how to cope!
Treat it like a funeral. Wear your professional suit and put on your Sunday shoes. Make sure to straighten on the good tie and avoid the cheap clipons. Go to church and be ready to represent, then return home after a hearty meal and prepare to send the Panthers out on a good note. Burn a little bit of incense to send the Panthers soul to oblivion and every time the Falcons score, don't forget to sing Amazing Grace.
3. A Kazoo
4. Lots of liquor and good soul food.
When you truly think about it, really if you're going to game the Carolina Panthers experience the true objective should really be to fall asleep during the rest of the game so you don't really see it! If you fall asleep, you don't watch them struggle. So you save yourself the pain of a afternoon of futility! That's where soul food comes in! And luckily for you, you're in the South! Just look at what is out there!
If you're gonna suffer, suffer with a full gut! And if you're lucky, you'll fall asleep earlier! The only winning move is not to play! Sleep Sunday away!
5. Draft Boards
If you're a big nerd like I am, you'll do the kool kids thing and instead of just watching the Panthers you'll be watching the Panthers AND studying for the next draft! Because the best thing about having a lot of information on a particular subject is to have a lot of information on something that you can do absolutely nothing about! Maybe we'll draft another linebacker next year! All it takes is for a Carolina Gamecock to be among the 1st round talentand we know that they'll be in play!
Finally, in closing, I would like to say that I truly and genuinely love the Panthers! I want them to do well!
But at the end of the day, I love to hate on them too!
So go out there and you be you Panthers! Do whatever the hell you want to do. I'll cheer or I'll laugh. And I most absolutely will not cry. Life is too short! And you don't have to have your local football team be good at their job to feel happy in life. You can keep on improving yourself, build your skills, and do your best to one day be richer than all of them.
And that, in and of itself, is a noble goal right.
Keep Pounding! But not like the Panthers do. They suck! Maybe keep stinging like the Hornets they seem pretty good nowadays right?