clock menu more-arrow no yes

Filed under:

The conspiracy that changed the landscape of the NFL

New, comments

Wake up, sheeple!

Carolina Panthers v San Francisco 49ers Photo by Thearon W. Henderson/Getty Images

Midnight, August 21, 2019. A hooded figure strolls confidently through the empty Gillette Stadium in Foxborough, Massachusetts. The field turf is pristine, at least for a preseason game. The figure is holding a shovel and a rake. This is his chance to alter the course of the NFL. He’s familiar with “bending the rules.” This will be no different. Cam Newton, the only one the figure has never vanquished, will be right on this spot in less than 24 hours. It’d be a real shame if he were to misstep. The figure, happy with his work, stalks off the field and returns the lawn maintenance tools to the groundskeeper’s office. Learning from past mistakes, the figure removes anything that could be used as evidence. He tosses a sleeveless hoodie into a dumpster and drives home, a smirk on his face.

That’s right, folks. Bill Belichick purposely sabotaged the field at Gillette Stadium. Why, you ask? We-he-hell, let me blow your minds! Knowing full well he wanted to get rid of Tom Brady after the 2019 season, Belichick knew he would never allow Brady to outperform him after leaving. After all, the world would need to know that Bill was the genius, the reason Brady was any good. He knew he’d need another quarterback (because Jarett Stidham is NOT the answer, unless the question is “name a synonym for Kyle Allen”). He couldn’t go after a hot commodity either. He needed someone overlooked, someone on the cheap, someone with immense talent that would inexplicably be available. Colin Kaepernick was an option, but Bill hates the media circus. Plus Boston would not be an ideal city for Kaep. He would need someone else. Someone perceived as broken, over the hill. Phillip Rivers would fit, but he’s too old. Bill wants to win multiple Super Bowls to really rub it into Tom’s face. Jameis Winston? Don’t make Bill laugh. Nick Foles? Hell no.

Enter Cam Newton. Well, enter him almost one year later. That’s right, folks. Bill Belichick is playing 3D chess while the rest of the NFL is eating checkers. He sabotaged the field so Cam would get a minor, but nagging injury. Then, the written-off 31-year-old former MVP wouldn’t be able to carry his floundering head coach anymore. With a new regime coming in, and Cam Newton’s contract expiring, Cam would be available. And Bill would be there to unleash an angry Cam Newton on the NFL. On that night just 10 months ago, Bill Belichick set into motion what would transform the present and future of the NFL. I can’t prove it, but you can’t NOT prove it. So it has to be true.