The Carolina Panthers preseason game against the Buffalo Bills was brutally boring to watch. The two most consistent offensive plays were Will Greer overthrows and holding penalties. The defense focused on having third-string linebackers try, and fail, to cover slot receivers. The Panthers backup kicker, Joey Slye, was the team’s MVP. The only drama for those of us watching the game on local television was to get the full Mick Mixon play-by-play experience.
Mixon has been the Panthers radio voice announcer since 2005 and can be quirky in his approach to his job. His references can be obscure at times and some of his remarks can be full of double entendre, whether intentional or not is up for debate. He’s also oddly fascinated with Ron Rivera’s ample and/or plentiful chest. If I’m going to be subject to watching a completely dull preseason game I don’t mind getting the Mick Mixon experience. Here are Mixon’s Top 10 comments from Week 2 of the preseason:
- At the beginning of the television broadcast Mixon said, “Panther fans are coming to this beautiful arena to see the stars that will be out tonight like McCaffrey, Cameron Artis-Payne, QB1, and others!” First, we already knew Christian McCaffrey and Cam Newton (aka QB1) wouldn’t play so why are they two of the three players he spotlighted? Second, since when did Cameron Artis-Payne become a star? Did Mixon mean this literally, like CAP is an insignificant individual part of a much broader cosmos like most of the stars in the universe? If so, that’s brilliant? Off to a great start!
- In his pregame speech Mixon quoted Proverbs about iron sharpening iron then said the Panthers and Bills “have been grinding on each other” over the last couple of days in joint practices. I don’t think any sentence has ever taken me so quickly from holy scripture to wholly inappropriate thoughts. Ew. Just, ew.
- After Joey Slye sent the opening kickoff out of the back of the end zone Mixon said Slye “has a monster leg like Fred Couples on the driving range.” Fred Couples was born in 1959 so it might be time to update the golf references. Also, has Mixon spent time with Couples on the driving range? How would he know this?
- Early in the game Cole Beasley gained good yardage on a screen pass. Mixon said the Bills are “hoping he’s their Amendola, their Edelman-type guy.” Based on this line of comparison, he could’ve also included Adam Thielen, Cooper Kupp, Adam Humphries, and even our very own Chris Hogan.
- After Kyle Allen took off for a nice scramble and gained a first down Mixon said the Panthers quarterback can really “get on the bicycle.” I’ve never heard fast runners be compared to bicycle riders before, but okay!
- Early in the second quarter it was obvious this was going to be a very, very boring game. When coming back from commercial Mixon dropped this gem: “Like a frozen TV dinner, what’s been inside hasn’t looked quite as good as the picture on the outside of the package.” Likening preseason football to a frozen TV dinner is just perfect. Even when it’s good it’s still bad. And when it’s bad, it’s terrible. Perfect reference.
- In the second quarter Slye missed a 58-yard field goal but Buffalo was flagged for leveraging. During the replay Mick pointed out the guilty player and said “there’s the engendering of ill will.” The next time my kids are arguing with each other I think I’m going to step between them and say “stop engendering ill will!” Thank you for helping me be a better father, Mr. Mixon.
- Right after the “ill will” comment Mick mentioned how in previous years defensive players used to hurdle over snappers on field goal attempts. So in response the snappers started - and I quote - “giving the forearm to the world wide web of whoever was trying to jump over the top.” Wait. Just...wait. There is so much to unpack here. First, does Mixon still call the internet the world wide web? Does he access it through AOL? Does he have an active Earthlink email account? Second, of all of the delicate ways to refer to male anatomy on public television, have any of you ever heard “the world wide web” used? Why did this particular phrase come to mind in that moment, and what does that tell us about Mick Mixon as a person? I’m almost afraid to know the answer.
- In the third quarter Mick reminded us that Woodstock happened fifty years ago this week. All viewers younger than 70 years old collectively said, “meh.”
- Okay, Mixon didn’t technically say this one but I’m going to combine No. 5 and No. 8 above. If Mick Mixon ever says he “injured his world wide web while riding the bicycle” you will know what he really means is he pulled his groin while running.
Personally, I like getting a couple of preseason games with Mick Mixon every year. He’s much, much closer to the Panthers and to us as fans than the national broadcasters who will take over during the regular season. His job is hard. It’s impossible to keep every listener or viewer happy during broadcasts that exceed three hours and I appreciate his unique approach. Here’s to you, Mick Mixon.