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Panthers vs Falcons: 5 questions with the Falcoholic

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We started this expecting amity and cooperation. Why? Because we are fools.

Atlanta Falcons v New York Giants Photo by Al Bello/Getty Images

Guess what, Panthers fans? You’ve got to actually watch the 2-7 Atlanta Falcons play football this week. After they bumped off the asleep-at-the-wheel New Orleans Saints last weekend, the Panthers are now required to be actually awake and present for what should have been the fluffiest of cake walks. If that metaphor sounds mixed to you it’s because it came out of the same bag as the rest of this misfit division.

As always, I reached out to our opposing SB Nation sister blog to get some inside info for our curious readers. Instead of facts and insights, however, Matt Chambers of the Falcoholic gave us calumny and false indignation in return for my completely reasonable and relevant questions.

Read on for yourself to watch them insult the Panthers, Charlotte, and apple pie. We honestly shouldn’t be shocked if they start coming after our mothers or, God forbid, barbecue the next time around. And if that’s not enough for you, you can head over to their pit for a look at how they treated me when I returned the favor.

What does the Panthers season look like to Falcons fans who are sitting at the rockiest bottom of the NFC South?

Wow, the “rockiest bottom” is a little unprofessional, but things definitely did not go as planned for the Falcons. The playoffs are certainly out of reach, but the team did battle back against the New Orleans Saints. Drew Brees returned at home and looked every single bit his age. The season is a wash but if the Falcons can get back on track for 2020, it becomes valuable. Plus, fans always like beating the Saints. They are the only real rivalry in this division.

Do the Panthers have Tampa or does the team just battle with mediocrity? I’m not sure if fans or the rest of the NFL have much of an opinion on the Panthers. They have existed in NFL purgatory, middling between “kind of good” to “kind of bad” while being boring to watch. Christian McCaffery has been great for my fantasy team. Otherwise, I’d be guessing at the team’s record and players. I assume Kyle Allen has OK, the defense has been OK, and the Panthers are somewhere close to .500.

What actually is a Dirk Koetter and why would the Falcons recycle him from Tampa Bay? Florida trash is no man’s treasure.

Hey, Koetter has made some unstoppable defenses in this century, unlike Norv Turner who tried to kill Christian McCaffrey and did kill Cam Newton. Maybe if the Panthers looked at some Florida trash the fans might see a completion longer than 8 yards. This is actually the second time the Falcons pulled Koetter from a Florida team, first taking the former Jaguars play caller back in 2012. It was Ryan’s best season as of that date, and the team was within a play (or observant ref) of the Super Bowl. I wouldn’t mix him up with anyone terribly creative. He’s a mixed bag that can, at times, keep things moving.

The Falcons beat the Saints after Dan Quinn surrendered play calling duties. Thanks for that. But why and how American does it feel knowing that your head coach having responsibility was holding you back?

Dan Quinn is more American than apple pie, you jerk! I’ve never had such disrespectful questions from a colleague. I don’t need to take this from someone from Cat Scratch Reader. You haven’t earned what Bucs Nation has earned. Your team voluntarily hired Norv Turner in a year that didn’t start with 19. Quinn obviously struggled taking on too much while Ron Rivera struggles with not making the dumbest decision possible at any given time.

Are the Falcons really willing to risk their prime draft position in 2020 but putting together another win and, perhaps, tie the Bucs for third place in the division?

If there was a city that more embodied a tie than Charlotte, I haven’t seen it. I’d rather tie with the Bucs than live in the oversized Olive Garden full of annoying bankers that the Panthers call home. Maybe Cam Newton has been zipping through Uptown on a scooter without a helmet hoping someone runs a red light and gets him the hell out of there, either with an injury settlement or a body bag. At least then all the fans with dress shirts under their Luke Kuechly jersey will root for a Panthers quarterback for the first time since 2011.

Matt Ryan, Matt Schaub, Matt Simms, Matt Bryant, Matt Bosher, Matt Gono, Jake Matthews, Matt Chambers. . . at what point will the Falcons front office change their weird strategy to stop being the divisional Door Matt?

ALL THESE MATTS ARE GREAT. Sure, none of them hold a candle to Matt Kalil. What in the hell is happening in Carolina? I’ve never seen a team intentionally kill their starting quarterback before. Maybe if the Panthers added a few more Matts instead of the league’s worst offensive linemen and a bunch of community college wide receivers, they would be relevant. Instead, they tighten their hold on mediocrity stronger every single day. Great job passing on Josh Gordon so quarterback Jimmy Clausen 2.0 can throw to Donte Moncrief. No wonder CMC gets every single offensive snap. Some 5-foot-10 guy named Mitch probably has the most targets on this stupid team. Thanks for the worst. Interview. Ever.