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Unsubstantiated rumors: Elon Musk to buy the Carolina Panthers

An eccentric billionaire is making a surprise investment in an Earthly venture.

Musk is actually an entirely Earth-based businessman.
Elon Musk, talking to purple people of unknown provenance.
Photo by Mark Brake/Getty Images

Cat Scratch Reader can confidently report that rumors have been made up suggesting tech billionaire and futurist Elon Musk is making a strong bid to buy the Carolina Panthers. Musk, who made his fortune selling electric rockets on the internet or something, is leading a group of investors that may or may not include extraterrestrial phenomena that, according to the New York Times, have recently been investigated by the United States Department of Defense.

The move from Musk comes as a surprise to most Earth based observers as he has never before shown interest in acquiring a sports franchise. Most of his business to date has involved transportation, internety things, and space stuff.

But Musk wouldn’t be the first owner to come in to the NFL with little to no football experience. Look no further than soon-to-be-former Panthers owner Jerry Richardson. He made his money in the food services industry before jumping ship to bring football to the Carolinas.

Known for making bold and surprising moves, buying the Panthers could just be the next, unpredicted step in Musk’s bid for domination of our Solar System. It is even possible to trace a kind of logic directly from SpaceX to Mars that runs right through the ownership of an NFL franchise.

Musk launched his interest in space by founding a company, SpaceX, intended to lessen the cost of space travel through vertical integration of rocket production. He has, however, struggled thus far in achieving his ultimate goal of colonizing Mars as evidenced by the fact that he has yet to put a single colonist on the red planet.

Football may simply be a means of similarly integrating his colonist development efforts. First he captures our hearts with a brilliant series of Super Bowl victories led by Cam Newton, then he captures our minds with the wonders of interplanetary and, eventually, interstellar travel. Or so the theory goes.

Of course, if this sale does occur then Panthers fans will be well within their rights to worry about relocation. A wannabe Martian with Unidentified Financial Obligations and no ties to the Carolinas could easily have motivations to move the team at his earliest convenience.

Moving the team wouldn’t make sense as an investment, however. The future success of the Panthers depends largely on the leadership of this team understanding both the sport and the business of football. As a west coast based genius, we can assume that Musk understands the deficit a team is placed at when traveling constantly to different time zones. Factor in that practicing in Mars lower gravity would put the team at a disadvantage when playing more traditional, terrestrial teams and you have an abundance of business and football sense pushing against such a move.

I also am not 100% certain that Mars even has panthers, or any other kind of jungle cat, so a total brand overhaul would have to accompany any such move. Similarly, it stands to reason that it would be hard to win a world championship if you don’t play on the same planet as the rest of the league. If I were a betting fan then I’d wager all Musk wants with the Panthers is to build a fully electric stadium in Charlotte. That is an effort I can get behind.