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Cam Newton’s incoherent Instagram captions are indefensible

Please don't confuse this with an April Fools post. I am 100 percent serious.

Jayne Kamin-Oncea-USA TODAY Sports

I can defend the touchdown celebrations, the showboating and the sideline photos before the clock hits zero. In a league plagued with serious off-the-field issues, it seems a little silly to lambast a team for having too much fun.

I can defend the Gatorade towel draped over the head, the sideline demeanor and the occasional taunts at opposing fans.

I can even defend a few pouty post-game press conferences. You'd be a little upset too if you had just lost the Super Bowl, I assume.

But a consistent, unapologetic butchering of the English language? I have to put my foot down somewhere.

Cam Newton's Instagram caption game is a national travesty. And I have to bring it to light.

For the uninitiated, an "Instagram caption" is a two or three sentence blurb in which you describe the photo you are sharing with your followers.

For the extremely uninitiated, Instagram is a phone application that allows you to share photos with your friends.

Let me give you an example: A few weeks ago, my friend posted a photo of himself and a few friends at the beach. In his caption, he wrote: ‘Just a few friends enjoying the beach!'

Pretty intuitive, yes?

Let's take a look at some of Newton's Instagram captions. If you have children in the room, I'd advise you to minimize your browser.


(Aside: What exactly is going on in this photo? A readable caption is necessary here.)

•makïnDREAMScomeTRüË• butMEET1NG'my'1DOLSa1ongTHEway #iWmW -1OVE #ALLinWITHcam #voicesÖFspongeBOBandPATR1CK

A photo posted by Cam Newton (@cameron1newton) on

My God.

Newton is revolutionary. His on-field performances have become must-watch TV spectacles. It's why he was named the NFL MVP this past season.

Newton pushes the boundaries with every big play and every celebration. In fact, I'd estimate 80 percent of what he does on the field is polarizing to fans in some capacity.

When he came into the league, he was criticized incessantly for saying he wanted to be an entertainer and an icon. Five years into his career, he's reached that level of fame and then some.

But inventing your own language? That's not going to fly.

I was fortunate enough to work as a Sports intern for The Charlotte Observer two summers ago. I was able to witness, firsthand, how intelligent Newton is with the media. He is masterful with the press -- even though he is continuously ticking off its members with his ‘antics.'

But I can not sit by and let him continue to compromise the integrity of the English language. I have to say something.

Mr. Newton, your Instagram captions are causing irreparable damage to my brain. Trying to decipher these messages you have created is mentally and emotionally exhausting. Please, if you're going to post a photo, attach a caption that is readable. Or don't attach a caption at all. I know some would say that is a ‘social media faux pas,' but at this point, I don't think it really matters.

Your Instagram has become your most hate-able quality. It's time to put an end to these shenanigans, once and for all.