The Panthers will play the Buccaneers in a football game this Sunday afternoon. Someone is going to win the game, unless they tie. Here are three reasons why each team will walk away with the "WooHoo! We Won the First Game!" trophy.
Why the Panthers will win
Lovie Smith is really just a more likeable version of Greg Schiano
Think about this. They're both hard-nosed, defensive minded, conservative coaches who don't pull any punches and always come prepared to fight tooth and nail for every inch of field position, but fail to take enough risks to be unpredictable. The only difference? Greg Schiano is a heartless douche, and Lovie Smith is not. Still, don't expect the Bucs to be that much different this year than they were last year, except this year they probably won't attack the offensive line when they're in victory formation.
Tampa's new uniforms look like bargain bin alarm clocks from Dick's Sporting Goods
We've all seen those ghastly sports team gadgets in the 50 gallon drum advertised as three for ten bucks because some cheapskate sports store owner got a good deal on some overseas product. "It's only 99 cents per unit if we buy ten thousand of them!", he'll exclaim. Yeah, buddy. Have fun trying to sell those things in 20 years when the aliens come and take over our planet. Better hope they're Bucs fans.
Our backup quarterback is better than their backup quarterback(s)
The only problem for Tampa: one of their backup quarterbacks will be the "starter", while ours will sit comfortably on the bench and keep Cam Newton's Gatorade towel dry until it's time for him to put it on and flash a fake smile at the camera. Oh, and if our backup quarterback has to play on Sunday... well, he went to the Pro Bowl. Can your backups say that? Didn't think so.
Why the Panthers will lose
Lovie Smith is a better football coach than Greg Schiano
Okay, they're really not that much alike. Lovie Smith has actually tasted success in the NFL. Heck, he went to a Super Bowl for cryin' out loud! The Bucs will probably be more willing to fight for Lovie, because they know if they get injured and contract MRSA he's not going to leave them hanging like Schiano did. That means a lot in today's NFL.
The Bucs have a pirate ship in their stadium
A pirate ship. I really don't need to say more, but I'm going to anyway. It's a pirate ship, y'all. How many teams can say they have a pirate ship in their stadium? Plus, we already know the cannons they fire every time the Bucs do something good scares the crap out of Cam, so if they're smart they'll just fire them at random times to get in Cam's head. Once they do that, they own him.
Derek Anderson will take the game too seriously and cause the team to panic
Hopefully Cam will be cleared to start and play well enough for us to win so Ron Rivera can finally know what it feels like to start a season 1-0, but with a substantial rib injury it's possible that we have to rely on Derek Anderson to lead us to the promised land. He'll probably get real serious about it and try to map out every single stop along the way to maximize gas mileage, so don't you dare ask to stop and pee before the allotted time. This will make for a nervous car ride, and everyone will be walking on egg shells for the entire trip. That usually doesn't end well.
The team with the most points will win, unless they tie.
We'll have to wait and see how it all plays out, but one team is going to be happy on Sunday night. Will it be the Panthers, or the Bucs? Who do you think will win, and why? Feel free to provide your thoughts in the comments section.