clock menu more-arrow no yes mobile

Filed under:

Battlecats! The fight for control of the kingdom is upon us!

On Sunday, two groups of cats will battle for control of the kingdom. Which group will dominate, and which group will run home meowing to mommy?

Bob Donnan-USA TODAY Sports

The Panthers will face the Lions in a battle of the cats on Sunday, and one species is going to walk away unscathed while the other will be relegated back to kitten status. Here are three reasons why each group of cats will show its superiority.

Why the Panthers will win

Jim Caldwell doesn't know how to show emotion

That kind of stuff has an effect on you as a player. You don't know if he's serious, just kidding around, or if he's even paying attention. He could be asleep for all you know. The only thing you know for certain is that he exists, and you even question yourself about that from time to time. When you're not sure about something as simple as whether or not the human being standing in front of you is in fact a real person, how are you going to take any instruction from him? You just can't do it. It's like taking a crossing guard seriously. Yeah, like that orange vest is the same as a police badge. You keep thinking that, buddy.

Matthew Stafford and Calvin Johnson will fight over the last croissant roll during the pre-game meal

Look Calvin, I know you need fuel for your domination jetpack but Matt's the quarterback. The unwritten rule of pre-game meals is the quarterback always gets the last croissant roll. It would be easier for you to just let him have it, but since you won't he's going to mysteriously not see that you're wide open in the end zone as he's handing the ball to Joique Bell for the third play in a row. He's also going to conveniently forget that it's 4th and 19 with 0:15 on the clock in the 4th quarter and that you're down by 6 points. You'll leave that last roll on the plate next time though, won't you?

Ndamukong Suh will skip the game to play Donkey Kong

Ever since Cam Newton called him Donkey Kong Suh he's been wondering why people keep saying that, so he's going to come down with a sudden case of turf toe so he can stay in the hotel and play Donkey Kong to see what the fuss is about. He'll like it so much that he'll start calling himself Donkey Kong Suh, but he'll probably get mad at you if you do it so you probably shouldn't do that.

Why the Panthers will lose

Jim Caldwell is really an alien cyborg set on world football domination

The only reason he hasn't accomplished it yet is because he hasn't found the right team with players who understand cyborg language. Now that he's been paired with Megatron, he has the tools he needs to complete his mission: to bring the Lombardi Trophy back to his home planet of Opbreron so his Fearless Leader can add it to his collection of random stuff from other planets.

Ndamukong Suh hates Donkey Kong

Hoo boy, Cam's done messed up now. You don't give a man a nickname based off of a kid's video game. You just don't do it. Cam could have called him anything in the world: Master Chief, Max Payne, Sub Zero or Kratos. But no, he had to call him Donkey Kong. Suh's gonna remind him of that each and every time he plants him into the turf, which will be around 437 times (give or take a few). In other words, I guess you could say it's on like Donkey Kong, but that would be silly.

The lion is the king of the jungle

Dante said it best: "Nobody [freaks] with a lion.", and he's right. You just don't do it. They're not the king of the jungle because they're the best Jenga players. Nope, they're the king of the jungle because they will destroy you just for having the indecency to breathe into their space. There's even a movie about them. You've never seen The Panther King, have you? I didn't think so.

My Prediction

This game will have both a winner and a loser, unless it doesn't.

We'll have to wait and see how it all plays out, but one group of cats is going to be happy on Sunday night. Will it be the Panthers, or the Lions? Who do you think will win, and why? Feel free to provide your thoughts in the comments section.