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CSR EXCLUSIVE: Dave Gettleman's draft blueprint

Using a never-to-be-named inside source, CSR has gained possession of Panthers GM Dave Gettleman's plans for the 2014 NFL Draft.

Brian Spurlock-USA TODAY Sports

The subject of how the Carolina Panthers are going to approach the 2014 NFL Draft has been a much-debated subject here at CSR ever since the Panthers were eliminated from the playoffs by the 49ers in January. We've analyzed, discussed, debated and argued over college prospects 24/7 for the last two months, and in just a few weeks we'll realize (again) that our efforts were futile because the Panthers won't pick any of the players we thought they would.

Thankfully, I have information that will expedite that process, as I have contacted my super-secret inside source to find out exactly who Dave Gettleman has on his big board. Once you have this knowledge in front of you, it will make your life much better as you won't have to worry about trying to prove someone's mock draft wrong until next year.

To prove that I have the goods, I have taken a snapshot of the info taken from my source with my phone. You can see the proof below.

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Yes, that is a napkin. My source had to be as discreet as possible when copying the information, so using a standard sheet of paper wasn't feasible. I'm sure the contents of the napkin are nearly impossible to read, but have no fear -- I've taken the time to analyze his draft plan below.

Round 1

Someone that half the fans love and half the fans hate.

I think it's safe to say this is an accurate guess. Dave's probably gonna pick either a WR or an OL, and it doesn't matter which one he picks because half of us will love it and half will hate it either way. Of course it's possible that ol' Dave throws us a curve ball and picks a RB or DE which would join us together in our rage, but I don't expect that to happen, and based on this copy of Gettleman's draft board you shouldn't expect it either.

Round 2

A player from the SEC to keep the redneck fans happy. Any SEC school will do.

Ok, first off Dave I'm a little offended by that. We don't go around making fun of you for being a yankee. Ok, well maybe we do just a little, but we don't mean it.

Anyway, this could mean a million different things (literally, a million). There are 12.5 schools in the SEC, and each school has somewhere around 400 football players, so there are plenty of directions Gettleman can go here. I think he's probably going to pick up a defensive player since the SEC is known for playing defense more than anything else. He could fool us by picking AJ McCarron though because every team could use more winners.

Round 3

A linebacker. Can't have too many linebackers.

Contrary to popular belief, Luke Kuechly can't play all three linebacker spots at one time. Yes, we have Thomas Davis and AJ Klein, but we need another linebacker as insurance in case something happens. We lost Jordan Senn to free agency, so we need to find a viable replacement in the draft. The 3rd round is the perfect place to do this. Makes sense to me.

Round 4

A kid from a school no one has heard of.

Let's face it, it's gonna happen. Might as well let it be in the 4th round so it doesn't hurt us too much.

Round 5

The best hog molly left. OL or DL is fine.

Again, we might as well face it. Dave's gonna pick a big fat fatty. At least a 5th round big fat fatty that doesn't work out isn't as bad as a 1st round one. (Thanks Otah!)

Round 6

Another RB, preferably one with fumbling issues to give Ron a challenge.

I think it's awesome that Dave wants to help Ron Rivera be a better coach. Giving him another RB with fumbling issues may seem like cruel and unusual punishment, but I look at it as complete faith in Rivera's ability to get something out of nothing. Look at how well he did with Mike Goodson and Joe Adams as examples of how great this is going to work out for the Panthers.

Round 7

A WR to replace S. Smith, preferably 5' 9" or smaller so fans don't know the difference.

Well played, Dave. Well played. Fans are upset about losing Steve Smith and fans are desperate for another WR in Carolina, so why not kill two birds with one stone and draft a small kid in the 7th round? To complete the ruse, be sure to give the kid #89 when he shows up to camp. Fans will really love that.

NOTE: DO NOT trade picks. Marty did that and got fired. Be different from Marty.

A sound piece of advice if I've ever seen one, Dave. If you approach every decision with the question "What would Marty do?" and do the exact opposite, you can be the Panthers' GM for the next 500 years and fans won't complain about a single thing.

Well, that's how the draft's gonna go down, folks. What do you think about Dave's strategy? I think it's going to lead to a 19-0 season, but what do I know? Sound off with your thoughts in the comments!