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Jimmy Clausen, Harbinger of Doom

Jimmy, my sweet prince of darkness, you have returned to fulfill your ultimate destiny.


The time was 4:12 minutes remaining in the fourth quarter. The Carolina Panthers were ahead 31-17. The Bears had the ball on their own 11 yard line. The ball is snapped and Jay Cutler drops back and trips. He falls, clutching his ankle. Jimmy Clausen begins warming up on the sidelines.

Fast forward. There are 3 seconds left in the football game. The score is 31-24, Carolina. The ball is on the Panthers 12 yard line. Jimmy hits Alshon Jeffrey on a slant, beating Cason. Then he spins off Roman Harper and into the end zone for a touchdown. Clausen keeps the team on the field to go for two, this is his team now. They get back to the line and the ball is snapped,. It's a bootleg right. Clausen peels out into the flat and Josh Norman has him dead to rights. Jimmy stutter steps to the left, cuts back to the right and Josh Norman laid the wood to a big ole chunk of air. Jimmy Clausen dove into the endzone. The Bears won the game.

Dave Gettleman finished his scotch and turned to Jerry Richardson. "Mr. Richardson, it's been a pleasure working for you," and he leans down and kisses Richardson on the lips. Then Dave Gettleman rips his chest open and Marty Hurney steps out of the body suit and levitates down onto the field.

A hole opens up at midfield and locusts fly out covering the stadium. Marty Hurney turns to Jimmy Clausen and touches one hand to his cheek saying, "My sweet prince, you have done everything I have asked. If this team thought salary cap hell was bad, they haven't seen anything yet." Then Marty Hurney turned to the owners box shouting, "You haven't seen the last of me!" before jumping down the hole at midfield with Jimmy Clausen.

Eyewitness accounts vary:

"I'm pretty much blind drunk at this point, but I feel pretty safe saying this is all Dave Gettleman's fault."

- Darrel from Waxhaw

"I drove three hours this morning and all I got to see was Armageddon, and not the movie. If it'd been the movie I'd be alright with it. Anything involving Aerosmith and Ben Affleck is A-okay in my book."

- Cynthia from Cary

"There's a locust in my Miller Lite."

- Steve from Gastonia

We'll keep you updated on the situation as it unfolds.