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On Second Thought: Nope, not doing that again.

What a horrific game.

Nope. Nope nope nope. NOPE.

I typically shy away from drinking any hard liquor during Panthers games. They have a tendency to put stress and anxiety on the body and in my experience stress and hard liquor don't go well together. Normally for games, I pick a beer with a high ABV (they're typically my preference) and then a good, solid pilsner or something similar with a low ABV. I start with the former and as things get more tense, I switch to the latter. It's how I make sure I'm still functional to enjoy the more important things in life like, yanno, my family. This week I did not follow the rule. This week I found myself standing in front of my fridge at 10:14 PM eating cold pizza in the dark in my boxers with the refrigerator door standing wide open. This week, the Panthers broke me.

So, instead of watching the game a second time, Bradley Smith and I have decided to make a list of better ways to spend the time:

1. Make a sculpture of Bank of America Stadium out of nothing but toothpicks and honey.

2. Fill out a W-9 for my dog.

3. Perform an at home colonoscopy.

4. Volunteer at the DMV.

5. Brew and imbibe toilet wine.

6. Transcribe Bleak House.

7. Re-install Windows on my computer.

8. Listen to Taylor Swift's new album.

9. Spongebathe Louie C.K.

10. Make hand puppets and perform a re-enactment of the Battle of Gettysburg for my cat.

11. Eat three pounds of dry quinoa.

12. Help Bradley remodel his kitchen.

13. Amateur beekeeping.

14. Marathon every Renee Zellweger movie.

15. Watch the movie Orgazmo with my parents.

16. Make a macaroni sculpture of Nic Cage.

17. Make a Big Brother audition tape.

18. Review Big Brother audition tapes.

19. Sign up for experimental shampoo testing.

20. Urinal cake odor-control testing.

21. Get in this van.

Hogwarts Express