Minority Report: Top Secret Draft Revelations

Is Kenny Vaccaro a future Panther? - John Rieger-US PRESSWIRE

In a dimly lit alley on the outskirts of Charleston, a dark figure lurks. Wearing a dark overcoat, fedora tipped forward, he watches the passers-by, awaiting the one he seeks...

"Psst... Hey you,over here. No,no, not you; de guy wearing dose chaps wit his bum in de breeze. Yeah, you." The chap-wearing stranger cautiously enters the alley.

"What's up, dude?"

"Shhh, not so loud. You're a Panthers' fan, right?"

"You must've seen my tattoo."

"Uh yeah, dat. Plus de joisey and hat. Listen up. I've heard some tings ... tings that need to be shared wit de best and brightest Panther fans. You tink you can handle dat."

"Sure, dude. I happen to be Editor of the best..."

"Yeah, yeah, whatevs. Listen close. I've heard dat de Panthers ain't looking to use a high pick for a D-Tackle... yeah, you heard me right. Seems Rivera just wants a couple of jags to keep his precious linebackers free. He don't give a [crap] about DTs. But he loves him some linebackers and safeties, ya know; like dat Weddle guy out in San Diego. I'm hearing dey want to get Vaccaro ... a good Italian name ... and dat udder kid, Cyprian if he lasts 'til de 4th. And, dey want one a dees primo receivers."

"What? You're saying..."

"I ain't sayin' nuttin', I'm just sayin', get it?"

"Uh, yeah(?). What else have you heard."

"Look, I ain't got much time, but dere's a couple tings about some udder teams. I hear de Fish ain't bringin' Jake Long back. De're working a deal wit de Brownies to trade up to number six. See, de Brownies ain't got a second rounder, and de Fish got two. Dis deal puts de Fish ahead of de Redbirds where dey can get Fisher, or maybe even luck into de Jeckel (sic) kid. Personally, I tink it'd be, ya know, ironic for de Fish to get Fisher, heh, heh."

"Cool [crap], dude. Give me more."

"Okay, one more. See, de 9ers got 11 [fudgin"] draft picks. What de [fudge] are dey gonna do wit dat many picks heh? See, Little Jimbo wasn't happy wit his D in de Superb Owl. So, de're lookin' to trade up and try to get dat Richardson kid ... 5-tech from Mizzoo. Dey might let Goldson walk, and look to draft a Safety and Corner, so it wouldn't surprise me to see some more trade action?"

"Great [stuff], man. Anything else?"

"Yeah, take dis 20 and buy some [darn'd] Levis. I mean, your [butt] is nice and all (blushes), but you gotta give de ladies some room for imagination."

"Dude, you been shopping lately? Where am I gonna get Levis worthy of this [butt] for 20 bucks?"

"Easy kid. Ya go to dat e-Bay. Where ya tink I got dis outfit."

"Yeah, okay. So, where'd you hear all this stuff?"

"It's dem voices in my head, kid. Dey never stop. You know what I mean?"

"Aw Geez!!!"

Disclaimer: The events and characters described in this story are purely fictional. Any resemblance to actual people or events is purely coincidental. Also, no animals were harmed during the writing of this story.

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