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The All-Hyphenation Mock Draft

Don't laugh, it could happen. Never mind, do laugh, or at least smile. 'Cause this is just me having a little fun while I wait for Draft Day to finally get here. (Yes, it's come to this—how are you coping?)

We'd all love to know what's really going through Dave Gettleman's mind pre-draft. Last year, he was all about Hog Mollies. This year, it's Blue Goose players. It's haaad—excuse me, HARRD—to know just what he's thinking. What gives a player that particular value the G-man is looking for?

Well, I have a new theory. It's not Blue Goose players. It's Blue-Goose players. The answer has been right in front of us all along. Forget the hype—focus on the hyphen!

Gettleman is hoping-against-hope that a couple of key players fall to us, so he can execute his Master Plan. I mean, his Master-Plan. If things fall just-right, here's the historically-hyphenated haul we'd have:

28: Ha-Ha Clinton-Dix, S
60: Xavier Su'a-Filo, G
92: Austin Seferian-Jenkins, TE
128: Stanley Jean-Baptiste, CB
168: Laurent Duvernay-Tardif, OT
204: Kevin Pierre-Louis, OLB
225: Chidera Uzo-Diribe, DE

No question, this is a B(H)PA draft, but the Gettleman magic works again, as almost all team needs are covered. Except wide receiver, of course. Disappointed when Darrius Heyward-Bey signed with Pittsburgh, Dave is said to be floating a straight-up trade of Frank Alexander to Detroit for practice-squad pass-catcher Akwasi Owusu-Ansah.

Just to be sure, Gettleman has also offered a roster bonus to the first of the current receivers to legally change his name to something hyphenated. The prime candidate is easy to identify, as fans and media sources have already been weighing in: "With Smitty gone, who's Cam gonna throw to? Marvin Freakin'-McNutt?"

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