Our friends over at Acme Packing Company recently published a parody post where they 'scouted' their writing staff, Nolan Nawrocki style. Well, my friends, they inspired one of our interns to let our cat out of the bag. CSR has long believed in self scouting, and some idiot has started to leak some of the more damaging sections of our previously confidential reports.
In an effort to curtail the damage done by this betrayal, we are hereby releasing the full text of our most recent scouting report. Please understand these words were never meant for anybody to read, let alone discuss publicly:
Doesn't have a published last name, possibly DeVille. Could be a Jaguar's spy in sheep's lingerie. Henceforth will be known as Mata Harry. Also doesn't use spell check, could be clever code to pass messages to the Jaguars. Not sure why they have such a poorly placed spy, his M&M's would surely do better garnishing somebody else's Sundae.
Rumors of commitment issues supported by his nomme de guerre ‘James Dater'; why won't he marry her? Might not love the game. Also may have flip-flopped countries, or worn flip flops when travelling between countries, details sketchy. Recently employed by CSR's big brother, SB Nation. Number of potential links to espionage in management becoming a concern. Is spy really a position of need right now? Not convinced value is there as anything more than a staff writer.
Eccentric, obnoxious, actually involved in raising his child. Is married to his wife, not his blogging hobby. Focuses too much on putting the ‘special' in special teams coverage. Claims to have attended USCe. Electronic degrees tend to equal raw prospects, sometimes byte off more than they can chew. Internet experience does suggest potential to develop into a social media contributor if he can harness passion. Misplaced anger over daughter's prospective boyfriends could be channeled by the right editor into quality writing.
Advertises self as amateur Scout. May misunderstand role in current system as no other players are advertising themselves as Atticus or Boo. Current work simply investigates and adds intelligent commentary but doesn't attack. Very innocent, respectful. Possibility that he is mistaken about the purpose of this blog looks more and more likely each time I review his film. He would probably be very sorry if he realized his mistake.
Hasn't shown a lot of production in last season. May have lost his keyboard. Gives impression of the kid who perpetually loses his pencil before an exam. I know an Evan, it is not this one. Causes confusion in the e-mail boxes. Could be considered ‘not a team player' if he refuses to change his name. C'mon Leekley, a casserole still smells like pasta if you call it a basketball, right?
Known to teammates as Rick ‘The occasionally present' Bates. Recent film is largely unavailable, may be concentrating on his stage and/or street performance career.
Novice film scout and writer. How can he be a novice writer? Most people get that shit locked down in elementary school. Probably means he is young. The problem with young people is they have no respect. Triggers the Dangerfield rule, if Rodney wouldn't draft him then I wouldn't draft him. Saving grace is that he has a difficult to pronounce last name, this quality has a lot of value in the Panthers systems, thus it must have value in Panthers coverage. Seriously though, less is more Mr. Bever.
Another ‘film scout', starting to wonder if CSR is overstocked at a particular position. Work ethic questionable, only works on Tuesday afternoons. Not sure a sloth will ever truly be at home in this highly motivated rainforest of journalistic talent.
Another unusual name, high value here regardless of position/skill. If film junkie/scouting department is overcrowded, another scout should be jettisoned before Crawford. Could possibly be convinced to change name to Crawfish, lure Jameis Winston here (CSR or Panthers). Would make for great click/trade/crab bait.
The late moderator of CSR Debates between myself and a personification of our comment section. Is convinced of his overwhelming sexual prowess and physical endowment. Basically, is Daffy Duck. We all know who the real Bugs Bunny is here.
Only posts open threads, makes you wonder what else he is open for. If the answer is passes, why hasn't he volunteered to catch them from Cam? Clarification: passes could have several meanings, I'm not discriminating. Either way would help our O.
Edgar Salmingo, Jr
Educated, from California. Can be assumed to be pretentious. Probably a band wagon fan or at least knows of the band whose wagon is parked next to our fans. Should be kept around so he can get those wagons moved, summer is going to be warm and fans will be appreciated.
From NC, lives in Texas. Busy receiving ‘education'. Suspect loyalties and film is unavailable on his barbecue allegiance. Grade or further assessment cannot be delivered without this film. More important than life or football.
Listed out of position on CSR Roster as an author, plays more as a video editor. Makes films, doesn't review them. Seems selfish. Not certain if there is room for a role player that is not also a team player. This kindergarten doesn't have space in the lime-light for every flavor of Play-Doh.
Literally the best. Should probably get paid for what he does. Would accept either beer or beer as payment.