CSR Debates: The NFL Draft and the Panthers

Bob Donnan-USA TODAY Sports

I sat down with TerribleMetaphorGuy and OverreactingCapsLockGuy for some reactions to the Carolina Panthers' Draft. But in the end I'm not sure what my reaction is anymore...

The CSR fan base seems split on Kelvin Benjamin, even after some awesome film review by those other guys that nobody cares about. What are your thoughts on Kelvin Benjamin?

TMG: I think that every time you buy a new DVD one of your friends is going to argue that the laser disc version of the same film had better sound quality or sharper colours. Of course, you have to bite your tongue so hard to stop from telling that friend that he spelled ‘color' wrong and that the British don't know anything about film evaluation that you can completely forget to recognize their criticism may have been valid in the first place. Still, sometimes you have to overlook the relative quality of your options and choose the format that is most likely to last and/or fit with the current home entertainment set up in your living room.

OCG: I DONT KNOW IF DRAFTING KEVIN BENJAMIN WAS A GOOD IDEA SINCE HES GONNA THINK HES THE BEST PLAYER IN THE HISTORY OF FOOTBALL SINCE HE JUST WON THE HEISENBURG TROPHY FOR BEING THE BEST QB IN FOOTBALL AT FLORIDA STATE AND I DONT KNOW IF WE NEED THE DISTRACTIONS HES GONNA BRING FROM HIS OFF FIELD PROBLEMS ISNT HE A CLAMPTOMANIC OR WHATEVER THE WORD IS FOR SOMEONE WHO LIKES TO ROB GROCERY STORES OF THEIR SEAFOOD SELECTIONS HAHA THAT WAS FUNNY WHY WOULD HE STEAL CRABS FROM A PUBLIX STORE WHEN HE COULD JUST GO TO ONE OF THOSE ALL YOU CAN EAT BUFFAYS AND PAY 10 BUCKS AND EAT ALL THE CRAB HE WANTS AND ITS PROBABLY REAL CRAB TOO INSTEAD OF THAT FAKE CRAB WANNABE STUFF THEY SELL IN STORES ANYWAY I THINK BENJAMAN WILL BE FINE AS LONG AS WE KEEP HIM AWAY FROM HARRIS TEETER BECAUSE THEY HAVE BETTER STUFF THAN PUBLIX AND HE MIGHT WANNA STEAL FROM THEM TO AND JR WONT LET A THIEF STAY ON THE TEAM SO WATCH YOURSELF KEVIN YOUR IN THE BIG LEAGUES NOW

Wait, are we talking about Jameis Winston? I don't remember bringing him up... No... No I definitely didn't. But, moving on.

Another person the CSR fan base has been split on is Tre Boston. What are your thoughts on him?

OCG: I THINK BOSTON IS A FINE CITY TO VISIT I JUST WOULD NEVER WANT TO LIVE THERE I THINK THE FAN BASE SHOULD RELAX ITS NOT LIKE DRAFTING BOSTON MEANS THE TEAM IS GOING TO MOVE I MEAN THEY ALREADY HAVE THE PATRIOTS ANYWAY WHERE WOULD THE PANTHERS LIVE EVEN IF THEY DID WANT TO MOVE THERE SO LIGHTEN UP GUYS EVERYTHINGS GONNA BE OKAY I PROMISE

BUT YEAH ANYWAY WHY ARE WE WORRIED ABOUT BOSTON BECAUSE KEVIN BENJAMIN THREW FOR OVER 300 YARDS AGAINST BOSTON LAST YEAR SO I THINK HES GOT THE UPPER HAND ON THEM ANYWAY BECASUE BOSTON ISNT THAT GOOD HAHA THEY PROBLY WONT HELP THE PANTHERS MUCH THIS YEAR EITHER BECAUSE WE HAVE GOOD QBS ON OUR SCHEDULE LIKE JOE FALCON AND DRAW BRIDGE WHO WILL PROBABLY TORCH US BECAUSE WE HAVE BOSTON WHO COULDNT EVEN STOP KEVIN BENJAMIN FROM THROWING ALL DAY ON THEM HE EVEN HAD TIME TO EAT A CRAB LEG DINNER HAHA GET IT THATS A JOKE BECAUSE BENJAMIN STOLE THOSE CRAB LEGS FROM WALMART HAHA WHAT A DOPE

TMG: Whoa, there Silver. Let's slow up here a second and figure out if we know what we are talking about. Can't go train robbing if the train tracks in your head look more like a turtle shell than a straight line. Won't know where we're going, will we? That's how you end up being soup. So let's see if we can't straighten this choo choo the hell out:

First of all, his name is Kelvin. Not Kevin. And he plays Wide Receiver, not Quarterback. He is big, kind of like our quarterback, but just because you get milk and butter from the same udder doesn't mean they are the same thing. It's all slippery squares and rectangles in this kind of geometry.

Second, per Mr Beversluicegate's question, we have Mr Boston out of UNC. His market is not all about stellar bread, or incredibly fresh vegetables, or even enormous amounts of meat, if you catch my drift. His sandwiches are more about a special seasoning or spice. They won't blow you away at first bite, but at some point the rest of our lunch menu will put enough pressure on opposing patrons that Tre will come up and surprise us with just one heck of a meal.

Now, how about we let Brian get on with this?

I... What? TRE Boston. I can't even... Anyway, we have limited time today, as Mr. Guy is a busy man.

What is your overall grade for the draft? How do you think the Panthers could have earned an A+?

TMG: I'd say Gettleman is performing as a solid ‘B' range student right now in the NFL School of Hard Knocks. Sure, he's learning his lessons one black and blue mistake at a time, but next draft he'll duck quicker. Isn't that what being young in a cut throat neighborhood is all about? The ‘B' doesn't stand for bully, yet. It just means that Gettleman probably could have done better, but not by much, and he definitely could have done worse. He's playing in a deep sand box these days. After all, some of these other bullying GM's really are in a league of their own.

‘B' doesn't stand for ‘bad', either. A ‘B' student can still do pretty well, maybe get into a college here or there, and at least feel pretty confident in moving up to that assistant manager position at the Bojangles (on the other side of town) in a few years time. Hell, you never know when the lightbulb will click and shine on those qualities that held him back from the ‘A' in the first place. Anyone can get promoted to manager, technically. All it takes is time.

OCG: HAHA THIS QUESTION IS SO DUM EVERYBODY KNOWS THIS DRAFT GRADE IS ALREADY AN A+ BECAUSE HE TOOK KEVIN BENJAMIN IN THE FIRST ROUND I MEAN HOW MUCH BETTER CAN YOU GET THAN DRAFTING THE HEISENBURG WINNER WHO THREW FOR LIKE 5000 YARDS AND 80 TOUCHDOWNS OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT I MEAN WHAT MORE DO WE NEED TO SAY ABOUT KEVIN HES GONNA BE GOOD JUST LIKE CAM NEWTON WAS BY THE WAY HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED THAT CAM NEWTON RIMES WITH FIG NEWTON HAHA I LIKE FIG NEWTONS THEY TASTE GOOD BUT I ONLY LIKE THE REAL FIG NEWTONS NOT THOSE CRAPPY STORE BRAND ONES THEY DONT TASTE THE SAME ITS LIKE THEY WERE MADE WITH FAKE FIGS OR SOEMTHING ANYWAY HAHA I THINK KEVIN BENJAMIN IS GOING TO BE OUR NEXT CAM NEWTON AND HES GONNA THROW LIKE 45 TOUCHDOWNS HIS FIRST YEAR AND WERE GONNA BE GLAD WE DRAFTED HIM HES GONNA BE SO MUCH BETTER THAN JOE FALCON OR MACK RAIN OR DRAW BRIDGE JUST WAIT AND SEE

TMG: I think I get it now. My apologies for being a little slow today, you can only suck so much maple syrup through a crazy straw at a time and, buddy, your straw is the craziest. Wow that sounded. . . Let's get this straight. The Panthers drafted Kelvin, with an ‘L', Benjamin, the hogmollie of a receiver from Florida State University. They did not draft, for a variety of reasons, Famous Jameis Winston, FSU's Heisman winning quarterback.

Listen, Brian? How about I just answer your questions from here out and we forget our little friend wearing the traffic cone like a cape over there. No. Don't ask how he managed to affect a traffic-cone cape, somethings are best left unanswered.

B IS FOR BRIAN!

I think I can live with that. TMG, what do you think of moving Charles Godfrey to cornerback? And how may that have affected our draft?

TMG: I'm not certain it affected our draft at all. Gettleman has shown that he is going to take the player he wants when he is on the clock. Not the one he (or we) perceives as a need. We drafted two defensive backs, sure, but we also drafted Tyler Gaffney.

As for Godfrey playing corner now, I am cautiously optimistic. Do you remember that bike that Dad got you for Christmas when you were, like, five? It was a shiny red and didn't have any of those shitty pink tassles on it that the hand-me-down bike your sister used to ride was just covered in. It was like the coolest thing ever until you realized it was a mountain bike and not a trick bike and your dreams of playing in the Junior X-Games started to die in your arms like an imaginary army buddy. You still liked the bike, I mean it was shiny and red, but you didn't squeal with glee every time you thought about like you would have if it had been the trick bike. Then, of course, somebody stole the front wheel off of it when you had it locked up outside the public library you didn't even want to be in. You were all like "Oh no, I'm kind of sad now that I can't ride my decent bicycle," but at the same time you were kinda like "Welp, guess my legs still work. Time to get walking." That's the short version of how I feel about Charles Godfrey switching to corner.

OCG: I DONT KNOW WHAT THIS DUDE IS TALKING ABOUT BUT I KNOW THAT CHARLES GOODFRIES BETTER HOPE HE DOESNT HAVE TO PLAY AGAINST KEVIN BENJAMIN IN PRACTICE BECAUSE KEVIN WILL THROW 800 YARDS ON HIM AND MAKE GETTLEMAIN SWITCH TO ROMAIN HARPER OR THOMAS RAINCLOUD TO STOP BENJAMIN FROM SCORING ALL THE TOUCHDOWNS

TMG: Bad. Bad, OCG. If you keep this up I'm going to make Mrs. BW Smith cancel somebody's Ambien prescription.

Who decided to use this guy for an interview? And we have the Panthers roster RIGHT HERE! IT'S RIGHT IN MY HAND OCG.

The Panthers traded away a 7th to move up and draft Bene Benwikere in the 5th. What do you think of the trade, and what do you think of Bene?

TMG: He filled a solid need at the position of "unusually named player" that we are required to draft every year. I don't know why Gettleman insists on tying up his gifts with shoe laces instead of ribbon, but I'm no GM either.

OCG: ANOTHER STOPPID ANSWER FROM THE GUY WHO DOESNT EVEN KNOW WHAT A METAFOUR IS I MEAN THEY DONT EVEN HAVE LIKE OR AS IN THEM DIDNT EVERYONE LEARN THAT IN SKOOL ANYWAY HAHA I THINK BENWIKIPEDIA WILL BE A GOOD PLAYER BUT HE SURE WONT BE AS GOOD AS KEVIN BENJAMIN BUT ITS NOT BENWIKPEDIAS FAULT THAT HE DIDNT WIN THE HEISENBURG TROPHY OR THREW FOR 800 TOUCHDOWNS IN COLLAGE BUT YEAH HE SHOULD AT LEAST BE BETTER THAN GOODFIES OR RAINCLOUD

TMG: God, you're Gollum, aren't you? Even if I asked you to leave, now, and never come back you would just lurk in the backgrounds until I tried to cast idiocy into the fire from whence it came whereupon you would rise from the shadows and bite off my finger of coherent reasoning, wouldn't you? Brian, you have my permission to begin moderating with a broomstick.

I don't really want to know what would happen if I made this guy angry. Well, more angry.

Who is your training camp player to watch, and why?

TMG: I'm focusing less on a player and more on a battle between two players. This year's number 5 pick in the CFL draft, OT David Foucault, could conceivably be matched up against last year's number 1 pick in the CFL draft, DL Linden Gaydosh in a lot of camp activities. I expect to see a lot of practise chess matches between a lot of different players on the field as coaches try to determine which players are best suited for the team's strategies. Being from Canada, though, I'm not certain if David and Linden are familiar with the distinctly American game of chess and so I also expect to see coaches sitting these two down to play a game or two of Sorry! in an attempt to determine their skill sets, strengths, and weaknesses.

OCG: WHO CARES ABOUT CANADA OTHER THAN THEY MAKE GOOD MAPLE SURYP AND PANTINE YOU KNOW THAT DISH THATS FRENCH FRIES WITH GRAVY ON THEM NOW THATS SOME GOODFRIES UNLIKE OUR NEW STARTING CORNERBACK WHO KEVIN BENJAMIN IS GONNA MAKE LOOK STOPPID IN TRAINING CAMP THIS YEAR SO THATS WHAT IM LOOKING FORWARD TO THE MOST HAHA HES GONNA THROW FOR 5000 YARDS IN TRAINING CAMP I HOPE GETTLEMAIN IS READY TO REPLACE ALL THE CORNERBACKS AFTER THEY GET BURNED LIKE TOAST BY KEVIN

TMG: I quit.

Same.

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