CSR Weekend Update: Mocking Giraffes

Vince Caligiuri

For those too young to remember the early days of SNL (mid-1970s), you may want to skip this parody... You've been warned! And now, heeere's Chevy Chase...

Applause2_medium

Chevy Chase into phone] Wait, wait, wait, wait. Honey... you're talking too fast. What did she tell you? Yes... at the right moment. Yeah? Well, who yanks the beads out? I -- [he sees the camera] I gotta go! Good evening, I'm Chevy Chase, and you're not!

Our top story tonight: Generallissimo Francisco Franco is still dead.

In other news, based on a recent poll, 75 percent of Americans think marijuana eventually will be legal, while the other 25 percent said, 'What?  It's illegal?'

The Post Office announced that it is going to issue a stamp commemorating prostitution in the United States. It's a ten-cent stamp, but if you want to lick it, it's a quarter.

Weekend Update recognizes its obligation to present responsible opposing viewpoints to our CSR editorials. Here with her reply to a recent editorial is Emily Litella.  Emily?

Emily:  Thank you Cheddar.  I want to know, why is everybody going around mocking giraffes?  Giraffes are very sweet animals that don't hurt anybody. People shouldn't go around mocking innocent creatures... that's how feelings get hurt.  Is it because they have long necks?  So what's next?  People will be mocking bunnies for their long ears, or elephants for their noses, or beavers for their teeth, or male porn stars for their schl...

Chevy: Emily... EMILY

Emily: Yes, Cheddar?

Chevy: It's drafts. The editorial was about the mocking NFL drafts, not mocking giraffes. DRAFTs

Emily: Oh... that's very different. 

Chevy: Yes. 

Emily: [smiling]

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Chevy: Okay... Now let's go to Rick for the latest Panther update.  Rick, what do you think the Panthers will do at 28?

Rick: Your guess is as good as mine, Chester.  This may as well be the weather report.  There's about a 35% chance of O-Lineman, with a virtually equal chance of Receiver.  That leaves a 30% chance of taking another position or trading.  Back to you, Chester.

Chevy: @That's really sticking your neck out there, Rick.  Thanks for the in-depth reporting.@  And that's the news. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.

Don't miss next week's editorial response about bull-eating in NFL locker rooms.

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