Today on Cat Scratch Reader we are going to discuss a few topics that are surely on the minds of all Carolina Panthers fans this offseason with two of the preeminent experts on all things Panthers, Terrible Metaphor Guy and BW Smith.
We'll be talking about Dave Gettleman's grand "plan" as well as the team PR department's handling of Steve Smith's final days as a Panther. We will also discuss the team's vision for the future and see who our experts believe the team might target in the upcoming draft. Finally, we will be ending with a special treat; an exclusive debate between our illustrious guests on a subject close to every Carolinian's heart!
Hello B-Dub and TMG, I'd like to thank you both for coming. It is great to see you both again!
TMG: Thank you, I look forward to providing a voice of calculated reason and simple logic to these respectful proceedings.
BW: Thanks. I also look forward to providing a voice of reason to this debate.
So there's been a lot of talk this offseason about Panthers general manager Dave Gettleman's "plan" or seeming (to some) lack thereof. How do you feel about Gettleman's offseason plan, TMG? What is your interpretation of the moves the team has made to date?
TMG: Every parent has a dream for their child, whether they admit it or not, that started before their child was born. Every parent has permitted themselves to believe in the quietest hours of the night that their kid will grow up completely disease and illness free and become the next President of the Universe. Smart parents are often smarter than their dreams, however, and they will still get their kids vaccinated against the chicken pox because the chicken pox happens. Even still, kids can get sick after their immunizations. It's not what you might call an exact science. Gettleman has done what he can to immunize us against these contagious 'free agents' that are roaming the league and boost our ability to combat salary cap problems. His game of franchise immunity has certainly had some incomplete passes and we have come to a point where the red spots in our depth chart can be pretty clearly defined as a case of Varicella roster. Does it itch? Yes. Can we get over it? Yes. It will just take more time than we want. Still, we haven't caught anything fatal as yet and most of Gettleman's actions have been those of a prudent parent trying to prepare their kid for the future. All in all, I'm not ready to call in social services just yet.
And you, B-Dub?
BW: I think TMG makes a very salient point, but hey...what in the world...OKAY THAT'S ENOUGH FROM BEEDUB MORE LIKE BE DUMB SINCE HE DONT KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT HOW THIS FOOTBALL STUFF WORKS I DONT KNOW WHAT TMG IS TALKIN ABOUT UP THERE HES TALKING IN SOME KIND OF FOURIN LAUNGAGE EITHER THAT OR HE NEEDS TO SEE A DOCTOR AND TAKE SOMETHING FOR THE CHICKEN POCKS HE KEEPS TALKIN ABOUT I DONT KNOW IF I WANT TO KEEP HAVING THIS DEBATE BECAUSE I DONT HAVE VIRUS PROTECTION ON MY COMPUTER AND I DONT WANNA CATCH NO CHICKEN POCKS BECAUSE I CANT AFFORD A DOCTOR BUT YEAH ANYWAY ABOUT DAVE GETTLEMAIN HES NOTHING BUT A BIG FAIL AS GM BECAUSE HE DIDNT SIGN ANY GOOD PLAYERS AND THEN HE LET ALL OUR HALL OF FAME PLAYERS LIKE BRADEN LAFFLE AND TED GAIN GO TO OTHER TEAMS AND NOW THE PANTHERS ARE GONNA BE 0-16 BECAUSE THEY WONT BE ABLE TO SCORE TOUCHDOWN IN ANY GAMES THIS YEAR AND DONT GET ME WRONG I LIKE GRAHAM GENO BUT HE CAN ONLY KICK SO MANY FIELD GOALS AND THEY ONLY COUNT THREE PIONTS SO THAT WONT HELP ANY WHEN THE OTHER TEAM SCORES TOUCHDOWNS AND DONT EVEN GET ME STARTED ON HOW HE TREATED STEVE SMITH BECAUSE IM STILL MAD ABOUT THAT CRAP
Interesting... B-Dub, I mean Overreacting Caps Lock Guy. You began to touch on a subject there that I'd like to delve into a little further. Steve Smith. Many have voiced displeasure with how the team handled the transition away from the franchise's greatest player ever. What are your thoughts on the subject?
OCG: I THINK DAVE GETTLEAMN IS A MORON FOR LETTING STEVE SMITH GO TO THE RAVENS ESPECIALLY NOW BECAUSE WE DONT HAVE ANYBODY TO CATCH BALLS FROM CAM OTHER THAN BURGER KING AND SOME DUDE NAMED MC NUTTS HAHA HIS NAME RHYMES WITH BUTT THATS A FUNNY JOKE I AT LEAST GIVE GETTLEMAIN SOME CREDITS BECAUSE HE DID SIGN THAT CROTCH DUDE FROM THE STEELERS AND THE DUDE FROM KID N PLAY I DIDNT EVEN KNOW HE PLAYED FOOTBALL BUT IT'S COOL THAT HE DOES AND HES ON OUR TEAM I WONDER IF HE WILL GIVE ME AN AUTOGRAPHED COPY OF 2 HYPE THAT WOULD BE NEAT IF HE DID ANYWAY I THINK DAVE DID OKAY SO FAR OTHER THAN TRATING STEVE LIKE A PIECE OF CRAP YOURE GONNA PAY FOR THAT ONE DAVE
A position I think we all could agree with... And how about you, TMG how did you feel about it?
TMG: Listen, when you buy a new house you have a lot of gardening to do. Sometimes it's just weeding and sometimes you have to plant new trees because the old trees got hit by lightning or fertilized with Greased Lightning or something like that. Getting the stumps out is always the hardest part. They are short, tough little buggers that the city ordinances say we can't use dynamite on any more. Well, Dave Gettleman is old school. He used dynamite any way, and now we have one less stump in our garden. It is hard to argue with the results if you keep in mind the massive amount of manscaping that Dave Gettleman still needs to do.
Ok, so we have now seen how Dave Gettleman has approached two free agency periods and a draft. We have also heard his comments on team-building philosophy and witnessed his frugal handling of existing player contracts. What does it all mean? What is the endgame? What kind of team are we trying to be, especially on offense? OVERREACTING CAPSLOCKS GUY?
OCG: ITS OBVIOUS DAVE WANTS TO SEE THE PANTHERS LOSE GAMES BECAUSE HE LIKES LOSING THAT MUCH IS CLEAR I DONT THINK THEIRS ANYTHING ELSE TO SAY ABOUT IT OTHER THAN WE ARE BIG FAT LOOSERS THANKS TO DAVE
Um, okay then. TMG, do you see anything differently?
TMG: You can't sail a boat with out wind. You can either wait around and hope a season blows hard enough or you can start eating Taco Bell's new breakfast tacos and make your own wind for sailing, if you know what I mean. If you don't, I mean farts.
Succinctly put. Well now that we have narrowed down where we believe the team is trying to go, lets talk draft. Draft order has been finalized, comp. picks have been awarded, the Combine has passed and we are deep into player pro-days... TMG, which players do you think the Carolina Panthers may be focusing their attention on in the early rounds of the upcoming draft? Do you agree with that direction or would you prefer different players?
TMG: Everybody knows we need to be worried about our defensive secondary and our offensive line. But what about our special teams? Brad Nortman looked good last season, but he may have been a one hit wonder, flash in the pan kind of guy. Look at it this way, if you spend all of your road trip budget on gasoline, what are you going to snack on when your engine seizes up because you were actually driving a diesel?
Wow. That is a new perspective. And you, OCG?
OCG: FIRST OF ALL I WANT TO ANDRESS THIS BRAD NORTMAN IS A ONE HIT WONDER NONSENSE BRAD NORTMAN IS A FUTURE HALL OF FAMER AND WE DONT HAVE TO WORRY ABUT WEATHER OR NOT HES GUNNA BE GOOD THIS YEAR BECAUSE HES GOOD EVERY YEAR HES THE BEST PUNTER EVER HE MAKES RAY GUY LOOK LIKE THAT GUY FERRARI DUDE ON THE FOOD CHANNEL HE PUTS THE SPECIAL IN SPECIAL TEAMS BECAUSE HES SO AWESOME UNLESS TMG IS USING ONE HIT WONDER AS SOME KIND OF METAFOUR BECASUE IF THATS WHAT HES DOING I AGREE AND I DONT KNOW WHAT HES TALKING ABOUT PUTTING GAS IN A DIESEL CAR YOU CAN TOTALLY DO THAT I DO IT ALL THE TIME
ANYWAY BACK TO THE TOPIC AT HAND I THINK THE PANTHERS SHOULD DRAFT ALSHAWN JEFFERIES BECAUSE HES THE BEST WR EVER OH YEAH THATS RIGHT HE CANT DRAFT HIM BECAUSE THE BEARS ALREADY DID INSTEAD WE HAVE AMEANIE SEE I TOLD YOU WHO DIDNT EVEN PLAY LAST YEAR BECAUSE HE GOT HURT WELL ALSHAN DIDNT GET HURT HE JUST GOT TOUCHDOWNS YEAH DAVE THATS RIGHT YOU MADE A STOOPID MISTAKE WHEN YOU DIDNT DRAFT HIM YOU BIG DUMMY
Umm, Gettleman didn't draft Silatolu. That was Marty Hurney.
OCG: OH YEAH THATS WRITE IT WAS MARTY HURNEY AKA THE BEST GM WE EVER HAD HE WAS SO GOOD HE GAVE MONEY TO PLAYERS TO GET THEM TO STAY IN CAORLINA HE DIDNT TELL THEM THEY COULDNT HAVE ANY MONEY AND MAKE THEM WANT TO PLAY FOR OTHER TEAMS LIKE DUMMY DAVE DOES I WISH WE COULD GET HURNEY BACK BECAUSE WE WOULD STILL HAVE SMITTY IF HE WAS HERE HANDING OUT DOLLAR BILLS LIKE HE DID TO CHARLES JOHNSON AND ALL THE RUNNING BACKS MAN THOSE WERE THE DAYS
Ok, so now that we've got all the small-talk out of the way, lets get to the subject that everyone's been waiting for...
As we all well know, the Carolinas host the best fast-food chain on the planet, namely, Bojangles. Best item on Bojangles' menu: GO!
OCG: EVERYBODY KNOWS THE BEST THING FROM BOJINGLES IS THE DOUBLE WHOPPER WITH CHEESE ITS THE PERFECT BURGER IN FACT IM GONNA GO GET ONE RIGHT NOW IM DONE WITH THIS STOOPID INTERVIEW LATER LOSERS
TMG: Bo-berries. Hands down. They are the only antacid that can calm my nervous stomach, which just recently was diagnosed as gastroesophageal reflux Panther disease. I apparently have a small acidic Sir Purr that gets agitated when neither football or Bojo's is near. That GERPD will get after ya'.
Fascinating insight from both of you. Personally, I prefer 2 BoBerry biscuits slathered in sausage gravy. That's right, I said it! Well, we've had a wonderful discussion today and I want to thank both of our guests again for joining us and Panther Nation for reading!