Have you heard the news? It's strong. Strong news indeed. The Carolina Panthers will be filling all of their positional needs from within. That's right, the answers are ALL already on the roster. Because this is Homertown fantasyland and I'm mayor Optimistic McGee and that's how it works.
I know that a few of you debbie downers have been worrying your little buns off. Shame. On you. This is homerton.
Allow me to alleviate your concerns. I'll start with the receiving corps. What the heck you guys. For reals. Steve Smith is, like, old balls. And tbh we got so many weapons already on the roster he might not have even made the team anyways. Brandon Williams, the physical masterpiece, is coming along quite nicely. I'm happy to report he has been working very hard to turn all that muscly potential into receiving output. And the one-two tight end punch that left town with Shockey has returned! I'd like to thank Mr. Dator and his analysis of a potential tight end draft pick, but it won't be necessary. And what's more, I have it on good authority that David Gettis has made a full recovery and now stays well stretched and hydrated and has cancelled his futures contract with Washingon in order to return to his hometown as our new #1. Plus, hello, have you even heard about T King and Marv McNizzle? Have you? Nuff said.
I know that the offensive line has been equally troubling for many of you. Need I remind you that our two young studly guards will BOTH be returning from injury! Haha the joy! Silatolu is primed and the other guy, um, I forget his name, is ready to participate in training camp and is surely the solution on the right side. Heck, he's had a whole year to observe from the sidelines. The very best kinda learnin. And my oh my had Byron Bell been in that playbook. Thanks to all the blitzes he saw last season he is no longer continuously fooled and beaten in pass protection. Oh and I wasn't supposed to say this so early, but it just seems so darn obvious: Jordan Gross is coming out of retirement for ONE MORE SEASON! Of course he is. He's the greatest lineman we've ever had. And he does "this is gross". Duh. You didn't think he'd really just stay away did you? Silly gooses.
And in closing I know that many of you have forgotten to complain about the cornerback position, but some of you have not. For those select few I present Josh Norman, the preseason playmaking phenom. He's finally learned to stop making those bone-headed game losing mistakes and has become just the corner we were hoping for. Enjoy his 10 to 12 interceptions per year. I know I will.
So in closing: what are you guys even doing right now? We're so good.
Ohhhh buddy! Almost forgot! This extra bit of good news is for those old people on here who are preeeetty much panther homers: As an act of charity and because we don't need them, the panthers will be donating their draft picks to the redskins this year. Those poor guys need'em.
Welp, I'm all giggles now. Bye y'all!
Bonus good news. That whole Jon Beason trade for a worthless pick and 8ish million dollar cap hit thing was just a jokey joke. Haha, gotcha! Jon will actually be returning next year and this time he REALLY IS ok will moving outside and ready to follow Luke and become part of the best line backing trio in football.