This season has become a twisted culinary series mashup of episodes from "Good Eats" and "Hell's Kitchen" alike. For good measure, this week the Carolina Panthers added an episode of "Chopped" in there in which Charles Godfrey was cut from the block for burning the roast one too many times. I have a feeling the episode isn't over, as both Antoine Cason and Roman Harper stand nervously in front of the judges, both displaying dishes that are sub-par at best. But hey, when your secret ingredient is fish eggs and they expect you to make dessert out of it, but yet insist on "tasting the fish eggs" what did they expect?
In a manner of speaking, the Panthers really left a stinky wedge of Pont l'Eveque cheese on the Lambeau field and not even Luke Kuechly was around to clean it up. The game was over at the end of the first quarter, where the Packers rolled to 21 unanswered points, Flambé-ing a hapless Panthers secondary that appeared as if each member had a bag of sand poured down their throats overnight. The Panthers offense provided little help, failing to muster any real ball movement until garbage time made the 38-17 thrashing look a lot better than it should.
This is about the time in the article where I insert a humorous image to lift your spirits. Here it is...
Pictured above: The Panthers secondary
Hot Plates
Greg Olsen - Heat Rating - Buffalo Chicken Sandwich
Whenever I am at a random sports bar, and simply don't know what's any good, I always order the Buffalo Chicken Sandwich. The beauty of this particular sandwich is that it reveals a lot about the kitchen operation. You'll find out if their wings are worth ordering when you taste the sauce, you'll know if they hand batter or use frozen chicken, you'll get a look at their ranch dressing offering, and finally the quality of the side it comes with will tell you whether they use hand cut potatoes or bagged stuff. Trust in the sandwich. It's rarely bad, sometimes brilliant, and a fine use of the 7-10 bucks you have to throw at it.
Luke Kuechly - Heat Rating - Spicy Fried Pickles
In my book, there is no appetizer more solid than the fried pickle. The salty and vinegary but refreshing interior pairs very well with the crunchy and bready exterior, and when you dip it in a good ranch dressing, it is downright divine. We learned that Luke is a little salty too this past week. Usually content to let his play do the talking, and only prone to outbursts to get teammates fired up, Kuechly was visibly pissed off about the poor play around him in the loss to Green Bay. While there was absolutely no reason for him to get ejected from the game, it did show his level of frustration with the situation in general. Kuechly is as great a linebacker as anyone will see in their lifetime, and is still on pace to shatter the NFL season tackling record, and as one of the few bright spots on this defense right now he deserves to be praised in this section.
Cold Salads
Anyone on Offense not named Olsen - Heat Rating - Fermented fruit salad
Hey, at least it will get you drunk. No one on offenses deserves credit for a game well played other than Olsen, because no one else produced outside of garbage time. While I fully believe it all points back to a terrible offensive line, it would be nice if someone stepped their game up and showed some of that ability that landed them in the NFL in the first place.
Charles Godfrey - Heat Rating - French fries that have frozen into a single cube of potato
Probably time to throw those out... oh wait, we did. Too bad we can't blame all our poor cooking on Charles Badfries.
Antoine Cason - Heat Rating - A cold and dull knife with a blunt tip
You're not gonna slice into much of anything with a dull knife. I dare you to try and force your way through a tomato with it, it's leathery skin is going to laugh until it finally just explodes everywhere under pressure. Like the aforementioned knife, I'm not sure Cason has ever set an edge in his life. He might be the absolute worst run support corner I have ever seen. What is maddening, is he will have a game or two where he is brilliant at it, but then suddenly it's like he goes to sleep and wakes up with targeted amnesia that makes him forget his fundamentals. Oh and its not like he makes up for it by being an excellent cover corner, Aaron Rodgers only had THREE incompletions all freaking day.
The Rest of the Secondary - Heat Rating - The air in the walk in freezer
Our secondary doesn't even deserve to be associated with a solid or a liquid, right now, they are just plain cold air. People pass right through in and out, it doesn't stop them in any way other than a quick thought of how cold it is. Then they just grab what they were looking for and go. Unimpeded. No resistance. Here we see Luke Kuechly passing through...
Tater's Gameday Food of the Week
Sloppy. Right now the Panthers are playing sloppy, and they are about to play another sloppy team in the Seattle Seahawks. Both teams, defensive juggernauts a year ago, seem to have lost that identity this season. The difference is that the Seahawks seem to have the talent to turn that around at any point, while the Panthers are completely different in the secondary, and apparently have no idea what they are doing. So, a meeting of two sloppy teams means...
Kicked-Up Sloppy Joe Sliders
Ingredients
1.5 lbs Ground Sirloin (as close to 88/12 as you can get without going leaner)
2 fresh jalapeno peppers, diced
1/2 cup shredded carrots, chopped (you want to cut those strips down into shorter pieces)
1 medium/large Vidalia Onion, chopped
1 cup pineapple juice
2 tbsp apple cider vinegar
1 tablespoon of McCormick Montreal Steak Seasoning
1/4 cup brown sugar
2 tablespoons of tomato paste
2 cups of tomato sauce
3 tablespoons Worcestershire sauce
Sriracha Hot Sauce to taste
~16 King's Hawaiin Rolls
Jar of Dill pickle chips
Preparation
- Chop onions, carrots, jalapenos
- Pour pineapple juice and vinegar into small storage container, put on lid, shake vigorously
- Pour onions, carrots, and jalapenos into the container, replace lid, and marinate in refrigerator for about 4 hours (you want the veggies to soak up the sweetness of the juice and the heat of the jalapeno but stop short of the carrots becoming mushy)
- After marinating, drain unabsorbed juice, and pour into sautee pan over medium-high heat
- Stir often until onions become opaque
- Add ground sirloin and combine with veggies, breaking up the meat as you do
- As meat begins to brown, add brown sugar and Montreal steak seasoning and combine well
- Once meat browns, stir in the Worcestershire sauce
- Add tomato sauce and paste, stir well until meat is coated
- Reduce heat to medium low and simmer about 10 minutes
- Taste the dish for spiciness, if you want to add more heat, add sriracha and stir well until you reach the desired heat level.
- Cut into Hawaiin rolls, placing a pickle chip or two in each, and add a large spoon full of sloppy joe into each.
- Enjoy!