WHY WE SHOULD TOTES TRADE JONATHAN STEWART

Steve Mitchell-USA TODAY Sports

A detailed discussion of cap implications, PFF charting, and the effects of emotional bias on team building.

Wait... as it turns out it would be a monumentally stupid move.You see, when you slice an apple, the apple gets smaller. When you slice our cap apple and expect to serve mango salsa you are just wasting your time making trail-mix-bite sized apples that won't go in your salsa and/or setting up your dinner, brunch, or funeral guests for a weird culinary experience. Just as we are all worldly enough culinary linguists, or as I like to call us 'culinlinguists',  to know that the word 'apple' is not the same word as 'mango' so to is Papa Getts a good enough 'not-an-idiot' to realize that cutting or trading Stewart would accelerate the pro-rated (meaning, in this context, portion that is effectively spread out over time) portion of Stewart's guaranteed monies to count against this year's cap and make it more expensive for us than if he were to stay with the team.

The warning labels for this juicy off season salsa have been rehashed in almost every comment thread where J-Stew is mentioned (that I have seen) since the initial announcement that we had signed him to a new contract. I know that we have some tender baby deer here who weren't kicking around last season, but as long as you didn't hoove (which, yes, is now a verb. Deal with it English) out of your mother's un-antlered womb yesterday, you should have maybe probably seen this information already. The details, for those of you who haven't yet sunk a chip into this amniotic pre-game  venison dip, are as follows: Stewart's cap hit this season is $5.5 million; if he were cut or traded, the remainder of his prorated bonus would be accelerated to this, the 2014 season, to make his cap hit a whopping $18.2 million. Thanks go to Rick Bates for being able to do these maths for us.

Seriously folks, try and remember it this time. It has been put out there many times before. Even if I could ignore the pitched nature a lot of discussions are taking on these days, the presence of trolls and the far more common and flagrant accusation of trolling, I would still think that reading the comment sections these days is putting my sweet, juicy thighs through an old-fashioned, hand cranked meat grinder. And my momma taught me that there are far, far better ways to make your off-season pasta sauce.

Now is the time to argue about draft picks and cap numbers in a constant stream of  steamy, embarassing, teenage rosterbation. This is the time for the fans who actually read their accelerated reader books during the school year to start passing their vocab and comprehension tests. For the rest of you who aren't even reading this post anymore anyway (yeah, I'm talking to you who is still looking at the picture): Jonathan Stewart, the Panthers running back who wears #28, is untradeable and uncutable for at least the 2014 season for reasons that have been enumerated ad nauseum and I have the vomit soaked towels to prove it. Go put your mayonnaise in somebody else's coffee and call it creamer. I'm drinking my coffee the same way Gettleman keeps our books: Black.

[If you disagree with the content or tone of this post please respond in metaphors or risk being uncool*]

*Note: You will still probably be ignored.

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