The 2013 NFL season is a quarter through and the NFC South sucks. It's tempting to bemoan the division's woes by looking at close calls and what-could-have-been's, but it's easier to embrace the suck and warm ourselves over the hobo trashcan fire that is the division. What's that New Orleans, you think you're good? Don't worry, you'll be here soon enough.
It feels like three 7-9 losers in 2012 threw off the division's ch'i, making it impossible for the universe to decide how it needed to work out 'worst to first'. The result was a hodge-podge of poor signings, inept coaches and a daytime soap opera in the case of Tampa Bay.
Your 2012 NFC South Champion Atlanta Falcons (They suck)
For reals Atlanta? The Falcons are sitting at 1-3, which I can only assume is happening because the plans for a new stadium make good taste cry. If you're a team in need of an offensive boost -- play Atlanta. They have allowed 400+ yards in three games this year, and lost the only game where they allowed less than 300.
Matt Ryan and Julio Jones are killing it, but the endless carousel at running back is akin to adopting Old Yeller -- if Old Yeller had no legs, and cost millions of dollars. Steven Jackson has 77 rushing yards on the season, a number so low that Mike Tolbert is threatening it. Jaquizz Rodgers is toting the load too, and he averages 3.5 yards per carry.
The Carolina Panthers (They suck)
I have no freakin' idea where this team stands. Seattle is extremely good, which makes the near-loss easy to bear, the Bills are pretty good too which makes that one a touch easier to swallow, but the New York Giants are about as exciting as an infomercial about Lyme disease.
At this point Eli Manning is just praying the wind doesn't change while making a Manning face (Note: This could be an Australian/British thing, apologies in advance if you have no clue what I'm talking about). The win was fun, but boy does it feel hollow in retrospect.
Here's to hoping that Ron Rivera continues to coach with his gut and better resembles my created coach in Madden, Lebron Rivera -- more on him later this week.
The New Orleans Sucks (Soon to suck)
Congrats chaps, you're 3-0. Seriously, you did a really good job beating juggernauts like Tampa Bay and Arizona. The teams the Saints have faced have a combined record of 3-9, and two of these wins were settled by a single touchdown or less.
Drew Brees is on pace to throw 32 touchdowns, which is impressive but his lowest since 2007 and pairing this with 21 projected interceptions, his most since 2010. It should be okay though, because he'll be helped by the running stylings of Mark Ingr-hahahahahaha, sorry -- I couldn't finish that with a straight face. The only thing that sucks more than the Saints is Mark Ingram.
The Tampa Bay Buccaneers (Oh sweetheart, y'all suck)
It feels almost bad to pile on the Buccaneers, like kicking a dog with mange -- but here we are.
Doug Martin has carried the ball 100 times so far, which leads me to believe Greg Schiano is willing to have his RB's legs fall off to save his skin. Adrian Peterson almost broke the NFL rushing record last year, and even he didn't carry the ball 400 times in a season.
Josh Freeman and Greg Schiano are feuding, playing a game of he-said-she-said that gives us a fleeting glimpse into what the Big Brother house would look like if they put two new divorcees in with the populace. Freeman wakes up late, Schiano rigged votes, Freeman is inactive and watching from a suite, Schiano is blaming it on Freeman.
Bad teams are often characterized as a 'rudderless ship'. Tampa Bay has a rudder, but it's a big old Evinrude that likes attacking the knees. Instead the ship's mast is busted, Darrelle Revis is the team's new figurehead and just allowed a game-winning touchdown to Larry Fitzgerald, while the entire ship is infested with disease.