Terrible Morning Metaphor: How Low Can We Go?

The early promise of Rivera's tenure in Carolina. Not pictured: The present day bar is touching the ground. - Gareth Gay

Ron Rivera's success as the Carolina Limbo judge is threatening his family life, can he pull it all back together?

Rivera needs to stop playing Limbo with the Carolina Panthers fans and pay more attention to his marriage to Mike Shula. I’m not denying that the man is good at his job; nobody can do that. Every week he lowers that bar of hope and dreams another level for Panthers fans no matter how low it starts. He is so good at that job that he must take pleasure or pride in it. I can see him now: Standing in khaki shorts and an electric blue polo, sporting some ridiculous looking fairground hat, over the two weather bars holding up a pole that continues to shine in spite of the crap it is made of. Maybe he sees himself as some sort of community leader or role model, inspiring each and every one of us to test our limits of despair and frustration so that we may grow and become stronger people.

You know what? That’s fine. We can’t blame him for trying, even though we certainly will.

You know what else? All work, and no play, makes Cam a very dull boy.

Ron Rivera needs to realize that he has a family at home. It is admirable to be good at your job, even commendable to take pride in it. But at what point does it stop being acceptable to ignore your family?

At the beginning of this year, Rivera married Mike Shula and lived, in a perfect world, happily ever after. Three weeks into the real season, however, and the honeymoon appears to be over. This isn’t to say they are throwing rocks at each other, but more that there are plenty of rocks on the road they are traveling together and they are doing their damndest to trip over every single one.

I’m hoping Rivera can apply a few lessons to his new marriage from his long term adulterous relationship with his paper boy, Sean McDermott. Their passion for each other knows no bounds, evidenced by their playing so hard together last week that they literally broke most of the bed they share. (Seriously, guys, look at the injury report and tell me where McDermott is sleeping this week)

Rivera heard at the start of his career in Carolina that he had a ground breaking quarterback for a son and he appears to be trying to live up to that hype with his newborn. Unfortunately for us, our coach Ricky Ricardo and his new bride offensive coordinator Lucy haven’t realized that television shows from the 1950’s aren’t breaking any new ground in 2013 on their own. Hell, the ground they did break decades ago is so hard packed these days that you need a shiny new pick-ax to even make a dent in it. Ricky and Lucy have got some ‘splaining to do to Uncle Dave and Grandpa Jerry as to why they haven’t figured out yet that Kugbila isn’t that shiny new pick and the shovel they brought from last season has a handle so loose it can’t get a grip and why, in spite of all that, they are still trying at that same hard packed dirt in every game and press conference we’ve seen them in.

Maybe this is the week where they realize that it isn’t enough to just share a bedroom on TV. Maybe this is the week they realize they are married in the 21st century and it is OK for them to share a bed. Maybe this is the week they remember the fireworks they made, back when they were first dating, when their son first took the field and how they got him there in the first place. They had another partner in the bedroom back then, part nanny and part summer fling. It is 2013, after all, and the definition of family is stretching to accommodate all kinds of gender constellations and living arrangements. Whatever Ron’s definition is, I hope he can find it again and be happy again.

Who knows? Maybe Ron will figure it out and show up to work on Sunday and, instead of taking pride on how low he can make us go, take pity on our twisted and hurting backs and raise the bar (just a few inches for that 4th time down is all we ask). Maybe Scarlet Johansson will show up with a plate of jalapeno bacon and ask me if I need any help relaxing after the game. Either way TMG would be happy Sunday evening, otherwise he'll just be drunk. He can’t ask for much more than that.

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