Panthers' Classic Rock Mock Draft: A Parody

Alas, Beautiful Beyonce is not among my draft selections - USA TODAY Sports

Are you worn out with all the NFL mocks, the research, the circular arguments over whether Tavon <> Cordarelle <> Hopkins? If so, you've come to the right place. Here we're drafting Classic Rockers for the Panther line-up. If spoofs and parodies aren't your cup of tea, then you should think about having that stick removed, and definitely skip this article. If you like humor and Rock'n' Roll, then All Aboard the Crazy Train.

Disclaimer: For anyone who may tend to be offended, I have nothing but respect for all of the artists listed below, and I think my OG pick is beautiful.

Get your popcorn ready, and enjoy the show.

1) NT - Meatloaf

A classic Nose Tackle built to take on blockers and stuff the run. Has some character concerns, but on the football field this guy is a Bat Out of Hell with a Bad Attitude. High motor, high energy... Plays with intensity thru the whistle and beyond with extreme aggression. Technique is a little rough around the edges, sometimes allowing the blocker to drive him back. Still, there's no doubt Meatloaf is a starter from day 1.


2) OG/C - "Dreamboat" Annie Wilson (Heart)

This voluptuous Siren would provide the missing piece at RG. Notice how she sinks those ample hips, which will serve her well in pass protection. Wilson is best as a Straight On run blocker, attacking like a Barracuda and often serving up pancakes that defenders seem in no hurry to get up from. Surprisingly nimble with strong upper body and hands that pack a punch, once her hands lock on, you can bet she'll go Crazy On You. Defenders would need to have Magic Hands to knock her off balance. And while Wilson projects best at RG, Cam let it slip that, should she become a Panther, he'd like Wilson to take some snaps at center during practice.



4) WR - Freddie Mercury (Queen)

Not great size at 5'9", Mercury may have to do most have his work from the Slot. As a route runner, he is fastidious and precise, and possesses strong yet soft hands. Can and will grab balls in traffic. He is an inspirational leader on the field, especially Under Pressure. Mercury's speed and wiggle often allow him to get behind the defense... and Another One Bites the Dust. This guy could become Cam's new Best Friend.

(Rest in Peace, Freddie. Your music is immortal)

5) S - John Fogerty (THE Creedence Clearwater Revival)

While this guy is most natural playing the Centerfield role, he has the talent to drop Down on the Corner against bigger WRs. Fogerty is great at moving to the ball and intercepting the Ricochet. If we can land him, Whitt and McDermott would consider themselves Fortunate Sons of b___es.


6) OLB - George Thorogood (THE Destroyers)

Against the run or in coverage, this guy is just B,B,Bad to the Bone. He gives it all he's got on every play, and has the instincts to Move it on Over to ILB should the need arise. Thorogood hates to lose and loves to win, celebrating each hard fought victory with One Bourbon, One Scotch, and One Beer.


I hope some have you have enjoyed the Magical Mystery version of the Panther Draft. And if the real draft, or the season for that matter, should not pan out to your satisfaction, try not to let this happen:

Mental wounds not healing
Who and what's to blame
I'm going off the rails on a crazy train
I'm going off the rails on a crazy train

Ah, Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha

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