Thanks James, it's great to be here. Wow... what a ride. Do you know what's better than being an NFL general manager? NOT being an NFL general manager. Seriously. I got so caught up with the whatsits and whosits -- I barely had any time to kick my feet up. Lets see, what have I been doing with my time? Well, I watched a whole lot of movies. Hands down my favorite was 'Silver Linings Playbook'. It dealt with my two favorite topics in the world: Modern dance, and sexual innuendo. I'M JUST KIDDING GUYS! Seriously, it was all about football and loyalty -- those are two things people should always strive for. Always strive for... you hear me Jerry?
A lot of people ask me if I'm mad a J-Rich, but I'm not. I always had this feeling in the pit of my stomach that he'd leave me for an older man. Have you seen that silver fox with the Scorsese accent he hired? Hurney can't compete with that! No hard feelings, none at all.
Anyway, when James called me and asked if I'd be willing to offer my thoughts on the draft I was in two minds. Obviously I still love talking football, but it was really going to mess up my Wednesday 'Girls' marathon I'd planned. However, I've always been a man of the people -- and if that means rearranging my schedule to catch up on my Dave Matthews Band discography over the weekend, so be it.
1st round: Jonathan Cooper, OG -- North Carolina
You say 'we have a left guard', I say 'Hurney don't care!'
Nobody had the guts to take Cam Newton with Jimmy Clausen on the roster but me. Oh, we have a middle linebacker? Forget it, we're getting another!
Look, this guy fills my two basic criteria: He's local, so he's loyal (unless he's like that Judius Peppers... I made that up) and Mel Kiper loves him. He's a guy I've had my eye of for a while, and I think he can really improve this football team. I'm not really sure how, but he's local and loyal -- so that improves the team by osmosis.
2nd round: Aaron Mellette, WR -- Elon
Since Carolina aren't picking until the 4th, it's way too risky to pass on this local, loyal wide receiver. If I pass on him here, it's almost guaranteed the Colts will pick him up. This isn't a risk I'm willing to take.
Mellette is a guy I've had my eye of for a while, and someone who I think can really improve this football team. Trust me, I know I really screwed the pooch on that whole Armanti Edwards thing, but this kid, he has it-- you just can't put a price on it.
3rd round: Frank Alexander, DE -- Oklahoma (2012)
You really need to look at a draft class in totality, so why not include Alexander? Last year he was a player we really thought could improve the football team, and we had our eye on him for a while. In the end he did just that.
Boy, what a player! With his pass rushing, and defending, and speed -- easily the best defender in the 2012 draft (other than my first round pick, Luke Kuechly) if he can keep developing then you can thank me.
4th round: D.J. Swearinger, FS -- South Carolina
I'm telling you, this kid is lightning in a bottle. Local, loyal, at a need position -- what's not to like?
He really knows how to attack the ball, and passion oozes from his pores. It's exactly like Duke Robinson. If you replace the word 'passion' with 'clarified butter'. Oh wait, I have a better one: It's exactly like Dwayne Jarrett. If you replace the word 'passion' with 'appletini'.
5th round: Brennan WIlliams, OT -- North Carolina
This draft is so amazing. Throw a coin in a fountain, you'll hit a local player.
This is a guy who deserves to go much earlier, but whose injury (torn labrum) could knock him down a few pegs. I want the Panthers to be one of those pegs who catch him, and nurse him back to health like a baby bird. Injuries are overrated anyway, and I have the utmost faith in Carolina's training staff to be able to take any player with an injury, and have them return successfully.
6th round: Demetrius McCray, CB -- Appalachian State
I almost had heart palpitations there. For a second I was worried I'd need to take one of those depth, SEC kids, rather than a proven, loyal, local kid with starting potential.
McCray is one of those guys I've had my eye on for a while, and unlike a lot of prospects I really think he can improve this football team. He's tall, and reminds me a lot of another player y'all should be thanking me for -- Josh Norman. Not to mention, the tickets sell themselves. I'm telling you, drafting App kids to sell tickets is like trying to sell witty Christian shirts at a Tim Tebow autograph signing. You know, those ones that say 'Jesus' but it looks like it should say 'Reeces'?
7th round: Louis Murphy, WR -- Oakland Raiders I think, or maybe it was Florida... I don't really know where we found that guy.
BOOM you can thank me now! Tell me another 7th round wide receiver who had 336 yards receiving last year? What's that, you can't?
What Hurney did right?
Everything. I give you a whole mess of local, loyal guys who will be here their entire career. Provided that slick willy Dave Gettleman has the foresight to lock them all in on ten-year contracts.
What Hurney did wrong?
Some will probably critique the lack of defensive tackle help, but remind me the last time a team won a Super Bowl with an elite defensive tackle. You can't remember that, can you? Just wait, Sione Fua will be beasting it soon, and you'll rue to day you mocked me.
In case it wasn't obvious already, this is purely a work of parody.