TMG's Ride: The Falc-in-laws are coming!

It may be rude to stare at funny shaped people, but is it OK if they are family? - Matt Kartozian-USA TODAY Sports

How many lanterns should I light if they are coming by ambulance?

The In-Laws are coming! I know we thought we said we were okay with her family when we married the Carolina Panthers, but they weren’t nearly this unbearable before the wedding. They’ve grown from that shapeless mass of people we won’t have to hear about very often to an ensemble cast of aggravating and downright weird characters. You have Uncle Matty, who has a new wife and a couple of new kids that we won’t be expecting to see again next year. Her cousin Tony is still fixing up his motorcycle and claiming that once it is done he is mounting up and leaving the family. We’ll be lucky if we can get through the weekend without Uncle Smith, who likes to be called ‘Coach’ for no legitimate reason, trying to trick us into eating one of his homemade fruit cakes again. And of course there is 'other Matt' the funny shaped one we can't help but stare at. This family really has no redeeming qualities.

I have no idea how many lanterns to light for you guys as I’m not sure if they are capable of coming to us by land, sea, or air but I do believe that their assault will be as merciless as it will be harmless. Uncle Matty’s ever changing spouse and gaggle of kids may provide some drama, but I imagine that they will mostly quiet down before the end of the weekend when they realize that our wife isn’t willing to put up with their crap until Mr. Ice shows some real commitment to them.

It really isn’t the damage that they can cause that worries me. Sure, they could break a window or soil a bed, but they’re not so bad that they can split us and the Panthers up. I am mainly worried about their ability to nag and whine. They seem to have taken their complain game to a whole new level this season. First Matty’s son from his first marriage, Roddy, wasn’t going to be able to make it. Then his second child from his most recent failed marriage, Julio, backed out with some lame excuse about surgery. Now little Roddy is back on the guest list but may need to sit on our couch with his feet elevated the entire time he is here. There’s also that Steven kid Matty adopted from an ex-girlfriend’s sister who was being deported. I’m not even sure he lives in Atlanta anymore, let alone if he is coming with the rest of the family to visit. None of that, of course, is too terrible. They’re the in-laws, it is how they work. I guess what really bothers me is that we used to sound a lot like them. We always had a complaint or an excuse. I would like to think that we kicked the habit, but maybe this always emotional visit will prove their new attitude to be contagious and lead us right back down to the mud we used to be rolling in.

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