The Terrible Morning Metaphor: Bingo, sleep-walking, and rehabilitation?

More like Geri(atric) Richardson. Amirite? - Bob Donnan-USA TODAY Sports

This could be a watermark game for the Panthers, do their catheters connect to a large enough reservoir?

Well folks, I don’t know what to tell you. The Panthers are a set of geriatrics rebelling against their nursing home staff. Old people tend to get all complacent and settled in to their nursing homes, their one way streets, until they aren’t settled at all. They’ll go off-roading in their wheel chairs and start skipping pills like a high school kid cutting class. They act like kindergarteners with a sex drive. They are like me using a simile, it isn’t exactly a crime, but it is still wrong.

Last week it looks like they recaptured the magic of that ‘recreational’ pill they swallowed before playing the Giants in bingo. I assume it was a different pill because last time they tried to re-swallow the Big Blue pill they came up flaccid with our old partners, the Cardinals. The game was terrible, if you didn’t watch it, the volunteer running the game had a seizure and kept shouting "S89! S89!" causing the Panthers to lose because all they really needed was B11 to call Bingo. Maybe this week they will reinvent themselves, deck out their new walker with Disney Princess stickers, and try to attract the attention of other people’s visiting grandchildren instead of fumbling with the too-heavy-jar of Texas Pete they used to spice up the Minnesota green beans their nursing home served for dinner in Arizona.

Their bridge partners this week, the St. Louis Rams, are built a lot like us. Same age, same hip replacements, same penchant for using whiskey instead of water to swallow our Vicodin. Despite the similar history, however, the Rams appear to be a little bit healthier. Their lingering cough is less productive and their anuses tend to have a little bit less seepage. Whether or not the Panthers can beat them tomorrow depends entirely on their ability to stay awake for an entire game.

I’ve got nothing else for you guys. Are we the borderline somnambulant team from years past? Or have they been sufficiently rehabilitated from the Foxectomy to get their driver’s license back? We’ll find out tomorrow. Or we won’t, because you know. . . Panthers.

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