Week 5 NFL Power Rankings: Bye Week Buoyancy

Here's a picture of Pickles stretching: Because why not? - Howard Smith-USA TODAY Sports

How to rise during the bye week: get healthy and watch one of the weirdest suck-tacular weeks of professional football ever televised.

We are through the first month of the NFL season and one thing is becoming abundantly clear. A lot of teams seem to REALLY want the first pick in the 2014 draft. I can not remember ever watching a more consistently sloppy 4 weeks of football in my entire life, and I am finding it a little unnerving. I personally feel that many people are correct and that the true effects of the new CBA are finally beginning to be seen. Discipline is at an all-time low and timing and communication really seem to be off for many teams. But, that is a story for another article. You are here to see my "scientifically-determined" rankings of where each team falls in the professional football hierarchy, and as always my list is infallible! So without further ado, here goes!

This week, the Panthers rise one spot by predictably not losing during the bye week! I think many other teams across the league wish they could have switched places with us, most notably of which are the Ravens, who fell 9 spots after losing a heartbreaker to the upstart Bills and the Bengals who dropped 8 spots by way of an ugly loss to in-state rival Cleveland. As far as the risers go, the Lions lead the pack as they climb 10 spots by getting their second straight win, and against divisional rival Chicago no less. The Colts jumped 6 spots with a thorough beatdown of the awful Jag-eww-ars to follow up their domination of the Niners last week.

RANK TEAM COMMENT PREV TREND
1 Denver Broncos And to think, this is a team that is playing without their All-Pro left tackle and most dominant defender. Right now these guys are firing on all cylinders, and Peyton Manning looks unstoppable. 1 SAME
4-0
2 Seattle Seahawks They can't all be pretty, but this is a team that just wins, baby. It will be interesting to watch next week's matchup against the surging Colts. Which uncannily-poised young quarterback will walk away with the W: Andrew Luck, or the Russellness? My money's on Wilson... 2 SAME
4-0
3 New Orleans Saints Sean Payton is the best offensive play caller in the game right now, and it isn't even close. If you are waiting for this team to implode, don't hold your breath. Payton is out for vengeance over his exile last year, and he's going to take it out on the entire league. 3 SAME
4-0
4 New England Patriots The way they started the season, I would never in a million years have expected this team to be 4-0 right now. Losing Wilfork hurts, but getting Amendola and Gronkowski back may be just enough to keep the ball rolling against a struggling Bengals squad. 5 UP
4-0
5 Kansas City Chiefs After beating up on the Jags in week one and then three straight wins against NFC East stink-squads, this weekend's tilt against the better-than-expected Titans looked to be the first real challenge of the season. Then Jake Locker got injured just as he looked to be turning the corner. The football gods have smiled upon Andy Reid once again, it seems. 9 UP
4-0
6 Indianapolis Colts I know, this is a big jump for beating up on the Jaguars, but it is really more a case of HOW they won, and the fact that so many top teams fell this week in one of the ugliest NFL weekends I can ever remember watching. 12 UP
3-1
7 Detroit Lions I've been begging someone to beat the Chicago Bears for weeks now. Detroit does so, and in thanks I gave them the biggest jump of the week! The icing on the cake? They picked off Cutler three times. There is nothing in football so entertaining as a Jay Cutler meltdown... 17 UP
3-1
8 Chicago Bears I predicted a week six total implosion by Jay Cutler, and he only made it to week four. It doesn't get any easier next weekend when the Saints roll into town. Nothing would make me happer than for this game to end in a 0-0 tie. 4 DOWN
3-1
9 Miami Dolphins They look much better than expected this season, but did anyone really expect them to beat the Saints in New Orleans on Monday Night without Paul Soliai or Cameron Wake on the field? Can't drop them too much for that loss. Side note: Mike Wallace looks terrible. 7 DOWN
3-1
10 Houston Texans I can't fault the entire team for Matt Schaub's inexplicably terrible pick-six. They thoroughly outplayed the Seahawks for the majority of the game, and Schaub will bounce back. Is it just me, or is Brian Cushing beginning to remind anyone else of Dan Morgan? Truly exceptional talent; body made of glass. Sad... 10 SAME
2-2
11 Tennessee Titans Jake Locker has been developing nicely this year, and his injury on a clearly dirty hit couldn't be more ill-timed. Oh well, Cryin' Fitzpatrick to the rescue! Now is as good a time as any for Chris Johnson to step his game up. 13 UP
3-1
12 San Francisco 49ers Blowing out the crashing Rams was a good way to rebound from a terrible two game stretch, but it was still the Rams. Lets not get ahead of ourselves. The result of this weekend's matchup against the Texans will give us a better idea of whether the ship really is righted. 15 UP
2-2
13 Green Bay Packers Hey, they didn't lose this week, which is more than I can say for the Bengals and Ravens. That is how the Pack climbed a spot over the bye. This weekend's game against the Lions should be a shootout, and we'll see if the extra week to prepare has Rodgers and Co. ready. 14 UP
1-2
14 Cincinnati Bengals Look, if you get beat by two scores by the Browns, you deserve to fall hard. Something is not right with this team, and Andy Dalton looks very bad right now. It isn't like the team did not invest in the offense this offseason, adding Gio Bernard and Tyler Eifert, so there really is no excuse for taking a step back... 6 DOWN
2-2
15 San Diego Chargers Two close losses to good AFC teams; two close wins against horrible NFC East teams. Philip Rivers is looking better than he has in a while and Antonio Gates is rejuvenated, but they will need to be more consistent to separate themselves from the middle of the pack. 20 UP
2-2
16 Buffalo Bills This is a very young team with a rookie quarterback that many thought they reached for early in the first round, so they are expected to show some unevenness. Chip Kelly is getting all the press, but Doug Marrone is the rookie coach that is getting the best results out of his squad early on. 21 UP
2-2
17 Baltimore Ravens Five INTs from the "elite" Joe Flacco is not going to cut it. This team is all over the place, and what in the world has happened to Ray Rice? That offense is a mess, and even though the defense has been pretty good, it won't matter if they have to spend the whole game on the field. 8 DOWN
2-2
18 Dallas Cowboys Inconsistency is the hallmark of a poorly coached team, and Jason Garrett is not a good coach. There is absolutely no reason I can think of for a team to be averaging 5.8 YPC rushing to abandon the run while up 21-10 in the first half. 11 DOWN
2-2
19 Atlanta Falcons Wow. Ok, this defense is BAD, and without a running game to lean on the offense isn't much better. I don't know what else to say, besides that I never saw this coming, and it makes me so… so… so very happy! 16 DOWN
1-3
20 Cleveland Browns The Browns' record before trading Trent Richardson and starting Brian Hoyer? 0-2 Since? 2-0. Leave it to Chud to find a way to defy all logic and create something out of nothing. 25 UP
2-2
21 Carolina Panthers With some of our players getting healthy over the bye and with quite possibly the most favorable four-game stretch a team could hope for upcoming (AZ, MIN, STL, TB) now is the time to go on a run. It's time to KEEP POUNDING!!! 22 UP
1-2
22 New York Jets Man that was ugly. In typical Jets fashion, Geno and the boys were able to give their fans a little hope for a few short weeks, only to bring the roof crashing down on their heads with one of the worst performances in a season already rife with terrible performances. 18 DOWN
2-2
23 Arizona Cardinals You aren't getting a big boost for scraping out a 3 point win against a team in the midst of an epic-level tailspin. Palmer is a turnover machine and the running game is DOA. Bruce Arians may turn this ship around, but it ain't gonna be soon. 24 UP
2-2
24 St. Louis Rams This may be a passing league, but the Rams are a case study in the domino effect that having ZERO running game causes. Defenses load up against the pass; 3 and out; opponent wears down your defense with the run, neutralizing your talented pass rush; another 3 and out; lather, rinse, repeat. 19 DOWN
1-3
25 Philadelphia Eagles The implosion happened quicker than I expected, and things are not looking good in Philly. The plus side? The division is so bad they may be able to sneak into the playoffs with 8 wins. The down side? They probably aren't going to sniff 8 wins. 23 DOWN
1-3
26 Washington Redskins Ok, I'll move RGIII and his cohorts up one spot for beating the hapless Raiders. Nevermind that they got to face the black and silver without their starting quarterback. I don't think this team wins had Terrelle Pryor been out there. 27 UP
1-3
27 Oakland Raiders Matt Flynn = Trent Dilfer - veteran savviness. Terrelle Pryor brings a dimension to this team that they need, as they are just not very talented. With him they could be middling, without him they could race to the bottom. 26 DOWN
1-3
28 Minnesota Vikings Adrian Peterson got it going and they won. Surprise, surprise. The team they beat is just plain bad, though. Not gonna get much love for beating the Steelers right now. 30 UP
1-3
29 Pittsburgh Steelers The only thing that kept them this high is that the teams below them are just horrid. At least they kept it close against the Vikings, which is more than the next three teams can say. 29 SAME
0-4
30 New York Giants Kansas City is a good team, so losing to them is not in itself anything to be ashamed of. Losing to them by 24 points a week after the Panthers dropped 38 on them IS shameful. All I can say on the subject of the Giants, Jets, and Yankees performances lately: It couldn't happen to a better state. 28 DOWN
0-4
31 Tampa Bay Buccaneers At least they aren't getting blown out in every game like some teams. That is about the only positive news coming out of One Buccaneer Place these days. 31 SAME
0-4
32 Jacksonville Jaguars Is it too early to start talking about 0-16? 32 SAME
0-4
SB Nation Featured Video
X
Log In Sign Up

forgot?
Log In Sign Up

Forgot password?

We'll email you a reset link.

If you signed up using a 3rd party account like Facebook or Twitter, please login with it instead.

Forgot password?

Try another email?

Almost done,

By becoming a registered user, you are also agreeing to our Terms and confirming that you have read our Privacy Policy.

Join Cat Scratch Reader

You must be a member of Cat Scratch Reader to participate.

We have our own Community Guidelines at Cat Scratch Reader. You should read them.

Join Cat Scratch Reader

You must be a member of Cat Scratch Reader to participate.

We have our own Community Guidelines at Cat Scratch Reader. You should read them.

Spinner.vc97ec6e

Authenticating

Great!

Choose an available username to complete sign up.

In order to provide our users with a better overall experience, we ask for more information from Facebook when using it to login so that we can learn more about our audience and provide you with the best possible experience. We do not store specific user data and the sharing of it is not required to login with Facebook.

tracking_pixel_9341_tracker