TMG Predicts Week 3: Sobriety Style
This game is a statement game. We are going to go up against the questionable Giants and come out looking like a picture of the Loch Ness Monster: Cool, scary, and not entirely credible. But we won’t care because Nessie is the bee’s knees.*
This game is doubly important: Not only are we going to improve our national image, we are also going to settle another long raging debate amongst Panther fans. Last week we settled the Armanti issue, once and for all. This week we attack the Four Horse Men of the Pantherpocalypse.
The way I see it, and the way I can only assume JR and Mr. Hurney see it, is that the game of football was designed for teams to have four great backs. How can you look at the opportunities afforded a team such as ours by being allowed to possess the ball for at least four consecutive downs? That’s a whole down each for DeAngelo Williams, Jonathan Stewart, Mike Tolbert, and Cam Newton. You can’t make this stuff up! It’s like my buddy Hansel was telling me the other day while we were baking bread: some things were meant to be.
For all of you out there arguing against the grand designs of our illustrious front office, I’m here to tell you that you are beating a bush with a snake. Maybe some fruit will pop out, maybe a Playboy bunny will, but the odds that are in your favor are saying that you might just be beating a snake with a bush for no damn reason. The bush isn’t really concerned with your attempts at coercion, because, well. . . did I mention it’s a bush?
Any way, that answers any and all possible questions anyone could ever have about any facet of our offense, so, on to the D:
We start with Eli Manning. Eli Manning is not a clutch quarterback. Calling him such is disrespectful. A clutch is a small thing a woman carries when she isn’t man enough to carry a big honking purse. Eli Manning is the largest purse you’ll see playing quarterback in this league today. He’s the kind of purse you want your girl friends to carry to bars so you can fill them with the pint glasses you are trying to steal.
Sadly, for us, he has now been joined by future hall of famer David Wilson in the backfield. This man can catch, pass, run, kick, and long snap the heck out of the football. If mere mortals like you or me were called the opposite of Batman, we would hang our heads in silent resignation and accept the shameful truth. If you called Batman the opposite of David Wilson then the Dark Knight would weep, claiming that it wasn’t his fault. Guess what Bruce, life is not fair; at least we can all take solace in our ability to watch this rising star’s career blossom into the unparalleled paragon of all parables it was predicted to portray.
That said, we can maybe stop them a little bit. It is going to require a variety of looks sending pressure from a variety of places. Basically, I’m going to blitz the hell out of them and see what happens. Take note, Sean and Chud, these results should help your gameplan.
Huh. Apparently an offensive game plan of run, run, run, screen pass, screen pass, run, screen pass, screen pass, etc. is not the most effective after the defense has figured it out. Similarly, zone blitzes are great, until they get consistently beat. Same goes for blitzes that leave your guys in man coverage with no safety help.
Note to Chud: If the defense seems to be aware of what you are trying to do, do something else, unless it is already working. In that case, by all means, keep doing it. Also, if you feel fancy enough to bust out our wild cat packages, let me tell you, D-Will cannot throw the ball to save my life and J-Stew has absolutely no pocket presence.
Note to Sean: If you leave the Captain in single coverage on Victor Cruz, you’re going to have a bad time. So are we. Don’t do that, thank you.
Note to TMG: Don’t do this sober again, it wasn’t nearly as much fun. I know you keep hearing that drinking heavily multiple nights a week is not the same recipe for success in graduate school that it was in undergraduate, but what you are hearing is wrong. Trust me, I’m you.
22-27 Panthers: We walk away 3-0 on the season.
Cam: 23/36 304 2 TD 2 INT 3 car 14 yds
D-Will: 0/1 0 8 15 car 82yds 1 TD 7 rec 110yds 1 TD
J-Stew: 1 sack 12 car 54 yds 6 rec 46 yds
Tolbert: 4 car 8 yds 1 TD 3 21 yds
G. Hardy: 3 Tackles 3 TFL 3 Sacks.
E. Manning: 23/36 304 yds 3 TDs 1 INT
V. Cruz: 7 rec 126 yds 1 TD
A. Bradshaw: 17 car 37 yds
D. Wilson 2 car 4 yds
First, some crazy how, Cam and Eli had near identical stats. Since this violates my overall #1 rule of no shenanigans, I heretofore must institute a new rule: Always shenanigans.
Second, you could ask for better numbers from our four horsemen, but they wouldn’t be likely to give them to you. But please do, I’d like to see you walk up to Pestilence and ask him for some Nyquil, I can see it now. You’d be all like "Excuse Mister Harbinger of the End Times, I have a cough and can’t sleep, can I have some Nyquil?" And he’d be all like "Yes, yes you may." Except that he would be lying and would give you the bubonic plague instead.
So there we have it, that debate has been settled for all of time**
As far as the game is concerned, we can all rest easy knowing that David Wilson has decided not to start his campaign for becoming the only player actually needed on the Giant’s roster, stepping in only to complete a few crucial 3rd and shorts as needed. Ahmad Bradshaw, facing a defense designed to contain Wilson’s awesome might, clearly came up short. He was Achilles facing the walls of Troy, except he actually lost for the most part.
For those still wondering if we can keep ahead of Eli and his passing attack in the fourth, I can only offer this wisdom:
We are heading into a cave, knowing of a monster waiting in the deep. He scares us, yes, but we must shepherd our people through to the other side. It is imperative that we win out, regardless of the sacrifices we must make. And we know we can do it. We are the agents of the secret fire. This monster cannot pass. As wielders of the flame of Anor we shall send these Giants back to the shadows from whence they came. Dark fire and salsa dancing will not avail them. They shall not pass!
*It might be bees’ knees. I’m really not clear on how many bees we are dealing with here.
**Time is assumed to end with the Mayan Calendar.