The Great Chicken Debate

Yes, that is a cow blimp. Chick-Fil-A has won this argument before it even started. (Photo by Kevin C. Cox/Getty Images)

Before we get started with this intense debate about the finer things in life (e.g. - fast food chicken restaurants in the South) let's get a few things out of the way. First, even though my name is on the byline, ERL collaborated with me on this article, and I couldn't have done it without his help. The SB Nation story generator machine thingy doesn't let us share the byline, so I got it all to myself since I'm the one who actually "posted" the article and because he's my underling and does everything that I tell him to (Right, ERL?).

Second, none of the stuff you read in this story should be taken seriously. There's some pretty rough stuff said in this post from both of us, and even though we sound mighty convincing, it's in no way a true indicator of how we feel about these two fine establishments. So, if you're a franchisee of either one - save the hate mail. We're just kidding.

Third, this isn't really Panthers related per se (even though JR is involved with Bojangles), but it's June and there's really nothing else going on right now. Unless of course you'd rather read another punter story. I mean, if that's the case just say the word and I'm totally there. (And you know you'd love another punter story.)

Finally, please take this article as it's intended - as a lighthearted way to kick off the weekend. (Please forgive the horrible football pun. I really need to get better at avoiding those.)

With all that being said, please follow us after the jump for The Great Chicken Debate.

The case for Chick-Fil-A

(Author's note: Okay, I know what I’m about to share with y’all is gonna sound very strange given my decorated past regarding this topic, but...wait, before I start let me emphasize that this is NOT BW talking here. I’m just some guy whose real name is Randall. BW is just a fake name, I swear. It’s for my protection, because what I’m about to share with y’all is some serious shiznit. In case you’re reading, JR, don’t come after me. Go after Randall. He’s the one you want.)

Anyway, here goes. [deep breath] I don’t really like Bojangles, and by extension - Boberries. There, I said it. I think the food is greasy and over-priced. (You know, like your mom - HA! I worked a your mom joke into a CSR article. Take that James!) Their chicken isn’t really spicy like they say it is. Sure, it has some spice to it, but the way they make it sound you would think that you need a gallon of that sugar water they call sweet tea to keep your mouth from turning into a burning inferno. And, while I’m talking about their sweet tea - it’s hardly legendary. (And why call it legendary? Who do they think they are, Barney Stinson?)

Their biscuits are always dry and they taste like a cardboard box, even if you smother them with that wallpaper paste they call gravy. Don’t even try to put a piece of chicken on one of their "biscuits". It’s like eating a piece of rubber coated in varnish surrounded by newspaper.

And...the sides. Don't even get me started on the sides. That cajun rice shiz that y’all talk about like it’s your third child? Disgusting. I mean, who puts sausage in rice? Like, for real. And what on earth is a Bo Round? Sounds like something Bo Jackson would nickname his...wait, nevermind. I don't even want to think about that. It makes the food sound even worse (if that's possible). As far as side items go - I already know what you’re thinking. "Well, Chick-Fil-A doesn’t even do sides like Bojangles does. You’re right - and that’s a good thing. Chick-Fil-A admits that they can’t make rice worth a crap, but the difference between them and Bojangles is they don’t waste their time trying to convince people they can. They do one thing - chicken. And they do it better than anyone else, and especially better than Bojangles.

I guess the main reason I don’t really eat at Bojangles is because I can get the same thing from another place, only it tastes like real food. It’s really not a contest - Chick-Fil-A is better than Bojangles could ever be. Why would I go to a wannabe chicken place when I can go to the place that invented the freaking chicken sandwich? And for you naysayers who are gonna argue that Chick-Fil-A doesn’t have spicy chicken - you’re wrong. Chick-Fil-A not only has a spicy chicken sandwich, but it actually tastes like a chicken sandwich.

So, in short: if you want real chicken that actually tastes like chicken, go to Chick-Fil-A. If you want a piece of rubber with some spices and flour rubbed on it, then feel free to waste your time and money at Bojangles.

The case for Bojangles

So let me get this straight - you’re pimping Chick-Fil-A? Nevermind the food (we’ll get to that in a minute), but what does Chick-Fil-A even mean? Like a filet of chicken? Clever. Every time I go there, about a half-hour later my burps taste like 40 year-old canned soup and I have to make a run for the toilet. And what is it with the cows? You do chicken, you’re different, we get it. (And please, for the love of humanity - teach the cows how to spell.)

For a food-joint that does chicken, it would be nice to get some actual chicken. More than half of my four-piece strip meal is burnt fried batter. But my fries are good, right? Nope. I get one nice, soft, waffle fry and the rest are crispy, half-burnt broken pieces of fried potatoes, formerly known as waffle fries.

Help me out with this...who eats a chicken sandwich on a bun? A sesame-seed bun at that? I’d ask for a biscuit, but even Ted Williams thinks their biscuits are frozen. In fact, everything is frozen. It’s a fast food place. At least I can walk into Bojangles and see people actually making fresh-from-scratch biscuits.

The best thing about Bo’s is the side-items menu. If I want potatoes, I can order mashed potatoes and gravy, french fries, or hash browns. If I want rice I can order wild-rice or cajun rice and sausage. At Chick-Fil-A, I have to eat burnt fries or a cup of fruit. If I wanted to eat a fruit cup I would find the one that’s been in my pantry for the last six years.

Instead of Boberries, Chick-Fil-A’s only non-dairy dessert item is banana pudding. Don’t get me wrong, I love good banana pudding, but there’s tastes and feels like I’m eating banana-flavored mucus. You could order a milkshake, I suppose, but most of the time it comes out lukewarm and thinner than the cast of America’s Next Top Model. Give me a Boberry biscuit with the vanilla drizzle and some more sweet tea and that’s all the dessert I need.

(Author's note: there was an R-rated joke about the vanilla drizzle on the Boberries that I almost included in the final edit of this article to make my argument sound better than ERL's, but I decided to leave it out. You're welcome.)

So there you have it folks. Whose side are you on - That nasty excuse for food they serve at Bojangles, or the best chicken on the face of the planet you get from Chick-Fil-A? And don’t give me any of that "I like both places" nonsense. When it comes to fast-food chicken empires, there can be only one.

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