In an event that has the city of Charlotte in an uproar, a herd of cows from nearby Mecklenburg County have inexplicably grown wings and are now flying in circles over Bank of America Stadium. Some are even beginning to build nests! Our reporter has more with the man that first spotted them!
"I was just driving down St. Tryon and I saw a herd of cows that had broken free from the nearby farm and they were blocking the road." A man named Steven Burns spoke, his palms covered in sweat. "They made me come to a stop and I blared my horn at them. Then they all started running away from me and they grew wings and flew off into the sky. This crap is crazy! We're living in the end times! The Mayans were right!"
The loud braying of cows at Bank of America stadium can be heard at the other end of the city as the cows seem determined to become part of the landscape. A single cow gazes down from his perch on top of the Bank of America scoreboard, his eyes scanning the crowds of people, his expression unmoving. Even now, workers tasked with removing the cows in the early morning continue to pour out of the stadium by mid-afternoon.
Even Panthers players both past and present have shown up to gage their opinion on the future of their franchise and league. Fans are starting to get rowdy as the Panthers make their way into the stadium to experience the nesting cows first-hand! We catch up with Dan Connor alone as he settles down on a bench alone watching the debacle.
"We can't get near them!" One of the workers spoke. "They're too stubborn to move and they have laser eyes!"
"Poor Bobby had the bright idea of getting into a staring contest with one of them." Another said, shaking her head in shame. The contest lasted for almost an hour before Bobby's head exploded! Normal cows don't do that!"
"Looks like for the first time in our century we'll truly be able to experience...." Dan Connor spoke, slipping on a pair of shades. "....A true buffalo wing."
As the scene starts to descend into a riot, our last interview of the day comes exclusively from Jerry Richardson, owner of the Carolina Panthers.
"I don't know who. I don't know how. I don't even know even know why. But All I know that somehow and someway, this entire situation is all the fault of the Carolina Gamecocks." He spoke, casting a stern glance to the South.
PS: Please start twittering again Dan Connor. We miss you.