First off, I am probably going to get in trouble for letting this news out, but I knew that you fans would be super excited to hear it and, hey "The Brun" loves his fans. So, it all started last Thursday night...
It was an ordinary night and I found myself relaxing on the couch watching the previous weeks episode of Full Metal Jousting when I heard the distinct sound of my Transylvania 65000 ringtone emanating from the next room. "Oh no" I thought, "This means i'm gonna have to get up!" I lamented to myself. I figured the caller was surely another advertiser seeking me to hock their crappy products, or some talking head who wants me to come on their TV show. Now i'm not saying I don't enjoy the adulation that comes along with being a future hall of famer, fan favorite, and international superstar, but sometimes even "The Brun" gets tired and needs a break. Anyway, I had just finished my second bag of doritos and could feel a movement coming on but my bathroom bucket was already dangerously full from the five tallboys I polished off earlier. Just think dropping an ice cube into a really full glass of coke. So I get up and grab the phone on my way to empty and refill my bucket. When I looked down I was surprised to see the name "Marty Hurney" on my caller ID and even though I was still alittle pissed about blubbergate I took a chance and answered it.
Marty was super wired, almost manic with excitement as he revealed to me what would be the Panthers radical new blueprint to winning the Lombardi trophy. Apparently Jerry Richardson had decided to move the team! Yes, you heard me right, move the Carolina Panthers! As part of a threefold plan your beloved Panthers would;
a) be moved to Bismarck, North Dakota and renamed "The Bismarck Flickertails"
b) the entire 53 man roster will be cut and replaced with free agents
c) Jeff George signs a 180 million 4 year deal to be the starting qb
Now I know your heads are spinning with just these revelations and your hearts are about to burst they are so full of newly formed championship dreams, but there's even more...as a pre-emptive strike against Chudzinski's eventual departure, he's being fired and replaced with Miss Cleo! Yes, you heard me right, we're going to have an actual psychic running our offense! She ALREADY knows what the defense is going to do BEFORE they do it! I was just like "Wow", "I need another brewski" but then Marty dropped the final bombshell. The Panthers/Flickertails were putting a two year 56.5 million dollar contract on the table. Marty said he knew that if he was going to get a championship trophy, he would need my rippling thighs and gluts on the field to lead the way. That's right, he wanted to hire me, the legend, "The Brun". I felt like it was fate, like it would be wrong to refuse, so I agreed on the stipulation that I would not only punt, but kick, hold, and snap as well. Oh, and they had to modify my handwarmer to hold doritos so I could snack during the games.
So there you have it Panthers fans, all the players you couldever want; TO, Randy Moss, Vincent Jackson, Mario Williams, Jeff George, Me!! So make your move now, because real estate values in Bismarck are about to skyrocket. Get on the next plane and i'll see you in Burleigh Community College Satdium for the 2012 season opener. Go Flickertails!!!