It's Christmas morning, and if you're like me you're running on fumes right now as you just finished watching kids tear into their gifts from Santa. Or, maybe you're not like me and you're just now waking up to gifts of your own. Either way, I'm sure the question that's burning in your mind right now is "What did our Panthers players get from Santa?".
Well fans, have no fear - CSR's got your back. In this super-exclusive insider-only article, we're going to give you the information you desperately crave. Below you will find a 100% accurate account* of what many key Panthers received for Christmas.
Ron Rivera received a custom-built three story dog house, which should provide him plenty of space to keep all his players he doesn't care about anymore.
Rob Chudzinski received a real NFL playbook to replace the one he's been using since he was the OC at Miami (FL).
Sean McDermott received a suntan, because it's the only way he's ever going to get one.
Cam Newton received a pocket watch, so now he can have time in the pocket.
Steve Smith received a copy of the Adam Sandler/Jack Nicholson classic Anger Management on DVD.
DeAngelo Williams received a new set of hands to help ensure those screen passes don't fall to the turf with regularity.
Jonathan Stewart received a pair of orthopedic cleats to help speed up recovery time and prevent future issues with his ankles and feet.
Mike Tolbert received a copy of Dance Dance Revolution for the PS3.
Ryan Kalil received a copy of the Charles Dickens classic novel Great Expectations.
Greg Olsen received Seasons 1-6 of the hit Showtime series Dexter on DVD.
Jordan Gross received a copy of Rush's hit album Grace Under Pressure.
Byron Bell received a new wardrobe full of clothes that don't feature his fraternity's logo.
Luke Kuechly received a copy of the Paul Newman classic film Cool Hand Luke on DVD.
Greg Hardy received a restrictor plate to put on his car to prevent future traffic violations.
Captain Munnerlyn received a pair of platform shoes so he can ride the good rides when the team goes to Disney World after winning the Super Bowl.
Joe Adams received a can of maximum strength stick-um, so the next time he's allowed on the field he won't have a fumbling problem.
Brad Nortman received a Punters Are People Too t-shirt, courtesy of Rich Eisen.
Graham Gano received a copy of the Morgan Freeman/Tim Robbins classic The Shawshank Redemption on Blu-Ray.
There you have it folks, an inside look at what some of our Panthers found underneath their Christmas trees this morning. If you're wondering whether or not this information is true, just remember that my source doesn't lie. You remember the inside scoop I got with Chud's diary right? Well, this is the same source, so now you should know it's 100% legit*.
All jokes aside, I would like to take this opportunity to wish each and every one of you Happy Holidays, and thank you for putting up with my attempt at humor this morning. If you have any inside information on other Panthers' gifts, feel free to share it with us in the comment thread.
A special hat tip goes to the rest of the Editorial Staff who helped me come up with most of these "gifts".
* - Okay, it may not be 100% accurate.