Despite being raised in Australia, like all red-blooded Americans I learned my life lessons, and moral compass from television. Pondering the Panthers anemic start to the season it's important to turn over all stones, and look into how this organization can improve-- by way of 1980's television.
It's time to get practical, sir! We know you're a man of many talents. From entrepreneur, to golf-cart driver, and then to pie-chart organization expert-- you can do it all. At times you may frustrate us, but deep down we all totally love you, and you show you have a huge heart despite an often difficult exterior.
Korean war veteran Jack Arnold had a tough exterior too, where you were always slightly wondering if he didn't traumatize the entire family as soon as the cameras stopped rolling. However, he was always looking out for interests of his kids, and wife. Jack didn't care if he hurt your feelings, business was going to get done.
Alright Marty, we get it-- you're a cap genius. It's admirable how you manage to piece together contracts like a puzzle, but your nonchalant strutting into the Panthers' kitchen is wearing thin; let's get a sense of urgency here.
Imagine this: You're stuck in a bamboo cage, captured by some nameless terrorists who hate you and everything you stand for. All you have is a toothpick, a tic-tac, three pubic hairs, and your moxie. Who would you rather be to ensure shit gets done? Mac-freaking-Guyver, or Alex P. Keaton?
Mr. Hurney, time to turn on the heat and try to make something out of nothing. Make a phone out of a coconut and a copper wire, call the other GMs and see what you can do. Maybe it's time to make a fully functional computer out of a rat, potato, and a greeting card, then use it to check the waiver wire and add some talent. The time in now Marty, and there's no time on the clock!
The Panthers' head coach is endearing for his forthright approach, as well as his penchant for jorts, fanny packs, and boat shoes-- in fact he'd look right at home in one of Cliff's sweaters. Despite being the guy you want to hang out with, and maybe even get life advice from, Cliff was more the nurturer than the disciplinarian.
Enter Dorothy (Bea Arthur). Now here's a lady who can get things done! Brash, gravely, with a no-nonsense approach that scared even the most resolute of souls. Okay, so maybe bossing around Betty White and a 53-man football team are slightly different, but this same approach could do Ron wonders moving forward.
Snarf is the worst. Obviously an addition that's solely there for comic relief, so too the read-option offense is the Snarf of our organization-- it serves no purpose, it makes us cry, and takes away from an otherwise awesome product.
On the other hand Panthro has it all! Strength, speed, and an engineer-like mind that works like a steel trap to dissect problems, and quickly solve them. It's on you Chud, do you keep wanting to Snarfing away, or get crap together and Panthro up? You decide.
When push came to shove Grouchy got his shit together, but he was still super pissed along the way. I don't necessarily blame him... look, I'd probably be pretty pissed too if some old man was asking me to retrieve berries for potions, knowing full well there was a roaming giant who wanted to eat me. Nevertheless, Grouchy Smurf really could have had a better attitude about it all.
Leonardo leads the turtles for three key reasons:
1. He wants to
2. He's a perfectionist
3. He's selfless
Cam Newton has two of these down, but it's the selflessness that could truly make him transcend his human form and become a crime-fighting turtle who emerges from the sewers to win games on Sunday-- wait, what?