TMG Predicts Week 5 – The Brad Nortman Bowl
I want to start out with an apology directed towards our very own BW Smith, editor extraordinaire. Last week I published a piece in which I insinuated that Mr. Smith’s heartthrob may, in fact, be mortal. My prediction suggested the possibility, however remote, that the object of Mr. Smith's desires, our very own Brad Nortman, could throw an interception. Mr. Smith was naturally distraught. His anguish reminded me of the plight of the mole. They pop their head up to spread messages of peace and love, to listen to great music, and to smell the sweet, sweet temptation that is Chuck E. Cheese pizza, only to be bashed in the head with a hammer if they are not quick enough to retreat.
I am dedicating this week’s Madden Simulation to the rectification of this offense and to the cessation of whacking of all such moles. I posit that Brad Nortman shall be shown to be a humble man of untold talent, content to play punter for fun, and share the glory of other positions with those less gifted. To prove this I shall place Brad on the field as not only an extraordinary punter but also as a quarterback. His performance shall make Dan Marino weep the tears of a thousand children who have been told that Sponge Bob, Power Rangers, and Dora the Explorer have been canceled on the same day.
This simulation shall still serve its purpose for the Carolina Panthers, whose coaching staff no doubt look to these weekly musings whilst installing their game plans. Not only shall I prove Brad is a true champion with the data I am about to share, but by so proving I shall convince the Panthers to correctly utilize him and win every game ever. Yes, we’ll even be guaranteed to win Yahtzee.
. . .
Seahawks – Panthers
34 - 15
Passing: 23/64* 175 yards* 2.7 ypa 1 TD* 7 INT** Long of 16 yards*
Rushing: 1 attempt* for -1 yards*
Kicking: 0/1* on Field Goals (52 yard attempt*)
Punting: 9 punts* 338 yards* 4 inside the 20*
*Denotes Career High
**Denotes Career Low.
Our defense let us down again in the 4th quarter after a career day by Sir Nortman. After holding Seattle to 10 points through 3 quarters, and contributing 8 on their own (pick 6 with a failed two point conversion and a safety), the defense collapsed in the 4th to give up 24 points and the game.
The Lord Nortman presided over an unprecedented performance, providing a ceremony with the pomp and circumstance requisite of his court. He took the field with all the confusion and awkwardness of a man wearing a trench coat walking into the middle of a school picnic with a hose. ‘That’s weird,’ everyone thinks, ‘what the heck is he doing?’ ‘Is he here for the children?’ Of course he is, and this makes everyone nervous. They go so far as to consider calling the authorities before he throws open his trench coat, whips out a folded up Slip N’ Slide and waters that sucker down for all to enjoy. In short, it was the most magnificent thing anyone in that stadium had ever participated in. A real story for the grandkids.
His Majesty’s numbers were of course, not perfect. Some of that was by design, and some of his supporting cast dropped the ball, so to speak. 8 times, in fact, did Greg Olsen and Steve Smith manage to not collect the balls for which they were in position; Were his Majesty not so forgiving this could have been taken as an offense against the crown, for the King does not simply ‘pass’ the ball, he gifts, nay, bequeaths it to his receivers along with all of the responsibilities that entails.
The casual observer may have left the stadium remarking that His passes were consistently thrown 5-10 yards away from His intended receivers. These silly remarks are, of course, why we do not allow for laymen to provide our in depth analyses. Clearly the fans do not know of what they speak.
Imagine having an alligator as a judge on a Food Network program. It could be the snarkiest, mouthiest judge ever, complaining that, while the food was palatable, the contestants failed to use enough imagination with their ingredient selection, citing the plethora of left over chairs, aprons, and assistants in the kitchen. This is because to an alligator everything is palatable and everything is food. You just can’t trust them to provide anything constructive in that circumstance.
The truth of the seemingly errant bequethals is that the receivers were unable to keep up with the divine game that was unfolding around them. Only the Honorable Smitty was able to partially keep up, receiving 10 bequeathments for 86 yards. Most of those catches came on curls in which he had to come back, go about 3 yards to his left, and then come back some more before finding his reward.
We may never know why the Nortman, Lord of Olympus, chose to place the balls as he did. We must recognize that it is not ours to know, but simply to cheer. We must have faith that he had his reasons, and hope in private and never aloud that he is not toying with our hearts for the lulz.
For those of you who may question your faith in our direction as a team I direct your concerns and inquiries to the High Priest of The Nortman, Mr. BW Smith.
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