I played the Madden sim this week and realized something: These things are about as close to reality as a woodpecker is to starring in blowjob porn. I mean, come on (pun intended), we’re not in Japan here. This appalled me. I am nothing if not faithful to the truth. So, with the firing of Hurney in mind, I decided it was time for a change.
Forthwith I shan’t be predicting these games anymore; rather I shall be announcing awards to each Panther player who ends the week a winner. This is all going to be metaphorical, of course, because we don’t really ever have winners. This week I shall award an breakfast food to each player or unit from whom I expect a winning effort. After this hearty and healthy beginning, these awards shall be bestowed upon those as have earned them after each game. To the buffet:
Justin Medlock, Canadian Bacon:
He doesn’t really hail from Canadia and no one really cares about it. He is a high upside and necessary addition to the team, but so far he isn’t many awards by himself. That might be for lack of opportunity.
Our Offensive Line, Scrambled Eggs:
They are already cracked and in the frying pan, we can’t blame them for getting a little stirred up. Sometimes though. . . sometimes, great things can come from scrambled eggs, sometimes you realize that you have actually just been eating rehydrated egg concentrate. Either way, it’s breakfast?
Mike Tolbert, Irish Coffee:
A healthy part of any breakfast in moderation, but when you try to depend on it in unlikely situations you start dropping the ball.
Steve Smith, Bacon:
What? You want a reason? Go eat bacon, then come back and ask that again.
Armanti Edwards, Bush’s Baked Grillin’ Beans:
I’m not sure why this is here, but there’s no denying we need a shake-up in our start of the day ritual, this seems as good as any. Here’s to hoping an unorthodox, but not game-plan-hobbling, change can give us a spark. If it doesn’t: Trash can.
Our Secondary, Shrimp ‘n’ Grits:
If you ever have to explain to somebody’s cousin what a ‘grit’ is you better point to Josh Norman. ‘Shrimp’ speaks for itself. You aren’t Lt. Dan, Captain. Grow up and show us why we drafted you in the seventh round.*
Look back at the title of this piece. When I said this was the ‘Looking for a W’ edition I was not referring to our I’m-so-broke-I’m-living-off-pop-tarts desperation for a win. I am quite simply looking for waffles. Those things are delicious: A little bit of butter and a little bit of syrup makes any breakfast plate pop off the morning table and into the rare heights of ‘Breakfast for Dinner’ cuisine. That’s how you make waffle’s work right. That is the problem our offense has been having: We need to better use our waffles.
When you eat a bad waffle, you forget it. But when you eat a waffle that is great, you memorialize it. We know we can have great waffles. Let’s butter ‘em up and drown in ‘em in syrup just the way grandma taught us. I believe that we will do that this week, just like I believe that cafeteria waffles won’t be disappointing: Foolishly.
*Author’s note: That one really lost direction. . .