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TMG Predicts Week 7: The ‘Flaunt It If You’ve Got It’ Edition

The Panthers are a team in possession of extreme talent at a single position. There is, of course, a difference between possessing a thing and understanding that thing. Chud seems to think that since he has such a potent running game that he can be crazy with his plays because opponents will be busy trying to respect the Panthers’ history. To put it in words he may not understand, everybody knows you could bounce a quarter off of Pinocchio’s ass. It is indeed very taut and firm, but this is because it’s made of wood and not sexy, sexy, sexy woman. Everybody understands that difference, so no one wastes their time staring.


In recognition of this difference, I took the opportunity afforded by this week’s simulation to run our offense out of the I-Formation. I’m not going to bother you with the statistics; they were unremarkable if you exclude DeAngelo Williams’ 8.7 yards per carry. What is important is that it was effective. I ran the shit out of the ball, the Cowboys stacked up against it and it still worked.


Naysayers and misbegotten hooligans (read: Cowboys fans) may point to our patchwork offensive line and say, appropriately, "Nay!" While it is true that we intend to field a line that more resembles a row of Mr. Potato Heads than the night terror inspiring Furbies we dreamed of at the beginning of the season, you must remember that I attempt to make my simulations as accurate as possible. To that point I shuffled up the line to resemble our current starting lineup. It still worked. I ran the majority of the plays to the left, and just like asking Grandma for directions, I sometimes ended up where I was trying to go.


Chud, I know I’ve spoken to you before from this forum, and I know from reading your diaries that you haven’t been listening. Please pay attention: Your team is built to run the damn football. Right now, our defense needs to be on the field as little as possible, which can be facilitated by running the damn football. Do this and you shall be lauded as Liam Neeson on Mount Olympus. Don’t and you shall draw the ire that a thousand French criminal organizations reserve for Liam Neeson.


We managed to pull out a close victory, winning on a last second field goal. The game was tough, but a lot key players stepped up and made unexpectedly good plays. In particular, Demarcus Ware had a good, but not game-changing day. Greg Olsen, Mike Tolbert, and Jordan Gross did a phenomenal job of keeping his impact on the running game to a minimum. Tomorrow is going to be Battleship (not that crap movie that none of us saw, but the board game that was a bastion of all of our child hoods): A lot of blind guessing in the dark, with whoever lands the lucky first shot taking the win.

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