A Humorous Look At Why the Carolina Panthers Will Win This Year’s Super Bowl, Unopposed

<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:WordDocument> <w:View>Normal</w:View> <w:Zoom>0</w:Zoom> <w:PunctuationKerning /> <w:ValidateAgainstSchemas /> <w:SaveIfXMLInvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid> <w:IgnoreMixedContent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent> <w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText> <w:Compatibility> <w:BreakWrappedTables /> <w:SnapToGridInCell /> <w:WrapTextWithPunct /> <w:UseAsianBreakRules /> <w:DontGrowAutofit /> </w:Compatibility> <w:BrowserLevel>MicrosoftInternetExplorer4</w:BrowserLevel> </w:WordDocument> </xml><![endif]-->Of course the Panthers are going to win Super Bowl 47. What’s more, they will win it by forfeit, unopposed. Why? I’m glad you asked!

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Really, who else could possibly get to the Super Bowl this year besides the Panthers??

The New York Jets? Their hopes floated away to an injured Revis Island.

The New England Patriots? Can you even remember the last time the Pats won the big game? Hasn’t it been like 200 years ago??

The Buffalo Bills? Their quarterback is Ryan Fitzpatrick.

The Miami Dolphins? Is Dan Marino planning a November comeback?

The Baltimore Ravens? Without Ray Lewis and Lardarius Webb? Don't think so.

The Pittsburgh Steelers? They lost to the Raiders. Then, they lost to the Titans.

The Cincinnati Bengals? Quick, name a red-headed QB who has won the Super Bowl.

The Cleveland Browns? Right. Their rookie QB IS 13 YEARS OLDER THAN CHRIS WEINKE.

The Houston Texans? Oh yeah, they sure looked dominant last Sunday night.

The Indianapolis Colts? NO, BECAUSE ANDREW LUCK SUCKS.

The Tennessee Titans? CJ2K has raised his YPC to an incredible 3.3, but has rushed for more than 24 yards a grand total of TWICE in 6 games.

The Jacksonville Jaguars? Have you seen their owner??

The San Diego Chargers? Two Words: Norv Turner.

The Denver Broncos? Coach John Fox has been there before, but that was when he had Jake Del Homme at quarterback.

The Oakland Raiders? They played their best game of the year last Sunday and lost to the lowly Falcons.

The Kansas City Chiefs? Brady Quinn is now competing for the starting QB job, following in the recent Notre Dame Irish tradition of producing top flight NFL QBs the past two decades…Rick Mirer…Ron Powlus…Jimmy Clausen…um…

The New York Football Giants? Every time they’ve gotten to the Super Bowl, it has taken them at least 3 years to get back to another one. Losers.

The Dallas Cowboys? Four Words: To Ny Ro Mo. And, it’s been literally billions and billions of days since they got to the Big Game. Literally.

The Washington Redskins? It took Mike Shanahan two years to get John Elway to the Super Bowl, and RGIII isn’t John Elway. Yet.

The Philadelphia Iggles? Andy Reid just fired the wrong guy. The Eagles are averaging 17.2 poins per game. He will have ascended to the summit of the blame triangle in Philly in about 2 months. And, Michael Vick will NEVER lead a team to the Super Bowl.

The Chicago Bears? Attitude reflects leadership! Jay Cutler excels at the former (having one), but is grossly lacking in the latter.

The Green Bay Packers? You do realize that Aaron Rodgers’ QB rating is WAY under 200 this year, don’t you? And, they lost to ANDREW LUCK SO THEY MUST SUCK.

The Detroit Lions? We have enough Madden players on CSR to know better.

The Minnesota Vikings? Every year there are a couple of teams who sprint out of the gate only to fade terribly as the season progresses. Hello, Minnesota.

The San Francisco 49ers? Yeah, I watched that game last Sunday. It was ugly.

The Seattle Seahawks? No, because my ex-girlfriend hates them, that’s why.

The Arizona Cardinals? Every year there are a couple of teams who sprint out of the gate only to fade terribly as the season progresses. Hello, Arizona. Meet Minnesota.

The St. Louis Rams? Their best WR is named Amen Dola. And he’s hurt.

The Tampa Bay Bucs? Not a chance. No team that has ever busted their opponents O-Line when they were taking a victory kneel-down has ever been to a Super Bowl. And, Warren Sapp doesn’t play there anymore.

The New Orleans Saints? Aints grocery bag masks are reappearing in the Big Easy. And for those of you who believe in that karma stuff, well….

The Atlanta Falcons? The mighty, undefeated Falconians you say?? NO. WHY?? BECAUSE I HATE THE FALCONS THAT’S WHY.

So there you have it. The Carolina Panthers are really the only team qualified to get Super Bowl 47 in the Super Dome. You heard it here first Panther fans:

Super Bowl 47 Results:

Carolina Panthers. Unopposed.

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