I’m sure you’ve read the reports by now that our Pro Bowl center Ryan Kalil was placed on Injured Reserve after it was discovered that he had suffered a Lisfranc injury in the win against Seattle on Sunday.
Wait...we lost to Seattle? How can this be?! Cam had the ball on the 1 yard line! I could have sworn we won that game.
Anywho, as you know by now Kalil is out for the season, and despite reports that the Panthers have signed a veteran replacement for him we all know what’s really up here: the Panthers are in trouble. No one is taking this loss harder than Offensive Coordinator Rob Chudzinksi though, because without his Pro Bowl center he doesn’t have anyone on the line qualified enough to call the line adjustments and blocking schemes while simultaneously snapping the ball back to Cam Newton. (Let’s be honest here - it’s a really complicated process, and the rest of our linemen aren’t able to do it as well as Kalil.)
I don’t like talking about this much, but I have a super secret source inside the organization. He’s the same one who gave me the candid conversation between Marty Hurney, Ron Rivera, and Chud that I shared with you yesterday; so you can bet your bottom dollar that he knows what he’s talking about. Well, guess what? He’s upped the ante. I know it’s hard to believe that he could provide more inside information than he did by transcribing that chat for us yesterday, but he has truly raised the bar for inside coverage of the Panthers.
I’m sure by now you’re wondering what he gave me that’s so earth shattering, and I’m going to share it with you so you don’t fall out of your seat from sitting too close to the edge. He brought me Chud’s diary, y’all.
Now, I know you’re probably thinking this is fake because there’s no way that Chud keeps a diary, but trust me when I say this - everyone keeps a diary. Some guys are too ashamed to admit it and they end up calling it a "journal" or a "blog" or something of that ilk, but let’s be real: we all have one whether we’ll admit it or not.
Enough about the legitimacy of this diary being Chud’s. I know it is because I’m looking at it, and it has his name written on the upper left corner of the inside cover, so that’s all the evidence I need. Since I’m trying to provide y’all with the most up-to-date Panthers news that I can find, I decided to break the cardinal rule of diary stealing by opening the baby blue faux-leather book and reading it, and let me tell you - the latest entry is gonna blow your mind.
Of course, I could just say that it’s some really neat stuff and leave it at that, but that would be a mean thing to do, and besides - what would be the point in sharing this story with you if I’m not going to spill the details about what’s inside the diary? I may be a jerk, but even I’m not that big of a jerk.
At any rate, the following is absolutely* a verbatim and truthful* account from the diary of Rob Chudzinksi.
OCT 10, 2012
Today was a sad day. Today I learned that we lost Ryan Kalil for the season. When Ron called me into the office I thought he was going to send me back to San Diego because of the way I acted in our meeting with Hurnster earlier today, but thankfully that wasn’t the case.
Of course, I didn’t like learning that Ryan was going to be out for the season either, but in this dog eat dog world; it’s better him than me. Ron said something about Ryan hurting his Lisa Frank. I don’t know what that means, but to me it sounds like a strange name for one’s private area. I mean, I call mine The Shotgun, but you already knew that Diary because I told you that back when I gave him that name. You thought it was funny. Those were some good times, weren’t they Diary?
Anyway, I’m rambling in my own diary entry, and that’s weird. So we don’t have Ryan anymore, which means that Ron will probably take the read-option play away from me since our offensive line now looks like one of those turnstile booths you see at the bus station. Ryan was the glue that held the read-option play together, and now that he’s gone it’s probably going to be a long boring season of straight up the gut runs out of this I-Formation that Hurnster told me about earlier. I don’t know if I like that or not, but I guess if I want to keep my job and want to avoid having to talk to Cat Daddy I’ll do it.
Cat Daddy is a scary man, isn’t he Diary? The way he scowls at you when he talks, and the way he makes you stare at that stupid ugly clock when you do the least little thing wrong is just creepy. I think he keeps lost souls in that clock, but I haven’t been able to prove it yet. I still think that strange moaning sound that comes from the clock isn’t a figment of my imagination like Cat Daddy always says, but I think it’s the ghost of George Seifert even though I don’t have any proof.
You know what I wish we could do Diary? I wish we could just put Piggy in there at center and then put Bruce Campbell in at right guard. I mean, he was good in all those movies back in the 80's, so he should be good enough to help the offensive line while Ryan's out, right?
I know Ron thinks that’s a bad idea but I think it’s a good idea, and I’m supposed to be the smart one. Well, I am the smart one, and I wish they would realize that and let me do my thing on offense while Ron and Ginger worry about the defense. By the way Diary, you haven’t told Ginger that I call him that have you? Good, because he’s the one coach on the team that scares the crap out of me. I just don’t trust him.
You know Diary, I was walking Read Option last night before bedtime and he told me something very creative that I could do to help the offense get back on track: I should put Armanti in at quarterback and convert Cam to tight end so we have an extra receiver on the field at all times. I counter proposed that we should put Cam in at RB so the defense wouldn’t know who was going to throw it, and Read Option thought that was a good idea. You know Diary, for a bulldog he’s actually pretty smart. I thought those dogs were supposed to be stupid, but I guess that only applies to Georgia Bulldogs. Don’t tell Thomas Davis or Charles Johnson I said that - they might sack me.
I think I’m going to try Read Option’s idea next week against Dallas. I think I’m going to put Armanti in at quarterback just to see how it works out. The defense won’t know what to expect when they see Cam lined up at RB, and maybe if I play my cards right I can run that quadruple lateral double option pitch out wide to Smitty play that I brilliantly laid at Hurnster’s feet earlier today. Even though the look on his face was "if you do that I’ll fire you on the spot", I could tell that he secretly wants to see what would happen if we ran that play. To make it more interesting I think I’ll do it on 4th and 1 from the 20, just to see if we can pull it off in high pressure situations.
This game is going to be hard without Ryan, but I think that with Piggy in there we’ll be able to pull off my super genius offense and be unstoppable against Dallas next week. The real problem with missing Ryan is going to be when we go back out on the road, because he’s such a good snuggler on the bus. I’m going to miss rubbing his beard while he sleeps, but maybe I can talk Smitty into growing his back out so I will be able to have a backup. It won’t be the best beard in the world, but it will do I guess.
Anyway Diary, I think it’s time for me to get some sleep. I’ve got a super creative game plan to make for next week’s game. It’s gonna be a doozy.
I don’t know about y’all, but this blew me away. I mean - the fact that Chud thinks the way he does makes me wonder why he’s even here in the first place. I just hope his super duper plan against Dallas is going to work, because if we go to 1-5 I don’t know how I’m going to handle the rest of this season.
* The words absolutely and truthful may or may not be used correctly here.