In light of all the stupid, seflish NFL [insert BIG expletive], I thought was fun and that it would bring joy to every Carolina Panther fan!  We knew this guy was a douche... and apparently a Texas grand jury agrees.  Here's my version of the official news release.  Enjoy!

SwankTheTank Press - (Dallas/Ft. Worth)  The Tampa Bay Bucaneers most notorious miscreant, Aqib Talib, was officially charged today with aggravated assault with a deadly weapon.  Back in March, Talib was arrested after trying to "let off a few hot rocks" at his sister boyfriend.  

An officer from the Garland City Police Dept. describes the drama that led to the arrest.  "Talib's highly-probable criminalistic and self-admitted promiscuous sister had some sort of petty argument with her probable-criminal and more-than-likely abusive boyfriend.  Talib's response to this was, "Ahhhh hell nah!  Break yo' self [expletive] [expletive]!"  Shots rang out.  The boyfriend escape any injury.  Then we showed up to clear the scene.  I kind of wanted to taze him.... no lie."

The interesting part of this report is Talib did not act alone.  There was in fact a second shooter on scene!  The second shooter was identified as Okolo Talib....  his mama.  Okolo reportedly "busted out her piece because she don't take sh*t from anybody!"  As it has been noticed, the retard doesn't fall far from the retard tree.

Fantastically, a grand jury in Texas today, has returned the indictment and Talib was "officially" charged with the crime.  One juror gave us his thoughts:  "I don't like him.  We didn't even see evidence from his side...  Didn't need to; I don't like him.  I'm leading with my head...  Hahaha!  You like that Talib?!!"  A young, cute and platinum blond juror said, "Taleen Habean?  Who's that?  I was textin' my girl all day.  I finally got with Melvin Fletcher!!  OMG!  Teehehehe!  What's your name?"  One of the overseeing judges described the jury as "passionate" and "dedicated to justice."

Talib was freed on a $25,000 bond a week following the crime.  Talib's charge of aggravated assault with a deadly weapon carries a 5 - 20 year prison sentence.  His mama skated away from any charges to continue "regulating" her "hood."  Now the question is...  Will Talib make it to the court date?  Or will he decide to get "gangsta" on someone else before then?  Only time will tell.

For an actual story, go here:  http://sports.espn.go.com/nfl/news/story?id=6599193&campaign=rss&source=NFLHeadlines