The Off-Season Survival Guide: Week 1

Well Panther fans, we’re finally here. It’s the dreaded off-season. It is the time of year that we all pretend will never come. Seven months of waiting, each Sunday more terrible than the next. Football has been ingrained into our minds, into our hearts. And with this off-season, I think that it is inevitable to say that some of you will not survive.

But fear not! Cat Scratch Reader is a community of good, strong men. We train warriors here. Warriors that can stand up against the rising tides of boredom and fight back against the girlymen that wish to assimilate us! We are a group where Angelia Jolie and Kim Kardashian pictures in the comment section are not only allowed, but demanded! If we stand idle, we may start to get picked off man by man. But together! Only together do we stand a chance of surviving this madness!

To aid you in this dreaded fight against boredom, I have assembled a few tasks to help you remain sane and stay loyal to your team and your sport!

1. Watch Hockey. In all the sports that are available to us in the off-season, Hockey is the only sport that fulfills our deep desire for war and bloodlust like football does. We have a decent local team in the Carolina Hurricanes, and they’re a pretty average team that has a good chance of both winning and losing. You’ll have a chance to watch their games till mid-april. Do it while you can! Once Hockey season is over, we are screwed. Some of you may fall to the allure of Baseball, and I will pray for your poor lost souls.

See the rest after the jump!

 

 

2. Annoy Rodger Goodell at Roger.Goodell2@nfl.net. That is his official Email, and with the lockout closely looming I have a feeling his email is going to be stacked with stuff as football grows ever closer! Imagine each email as shooting a copy of Ray Lewis charging towards a random peewee politician at 100 miles an hour, and once you’ve sent it out you know you’ve done your good deed for the year. Or you can send him pictures of Brookland Deckard, so we can start subconsciously converting him to a Panther fan. Besides, he seems like a guy that needs more women in his life anyway. Poor soul.

3. Create a Bill Belichick Dartboard. Let’s be honest here, all of us hate him. I myself always privately believed that the Patriots cheated to win when the Panthers were in the Super Bowl. So go on Amazon.com and buy yourself a dartboard. Once you’re done wading though all of these expensive cabinets that are on sale for 130$ ((Who wants to do that crap?)) you can usually find a good one for 20$. All you’ve got to do is buy one and then tape a picture of Bill Belichick on the front. Voila! You have a perfect activity to pass time during the off-season.

4. Rosterbation. It is defined in the Urban Dictionary as "The act of reaching orgasm by simply looking at your fantasy football team or pleasuring yourself while thinking about how good your team looks on paper." While the Panthers have an excellent roster for this purpose, for the first time in our history we might have potential for a coaching staff rosterbation as well! Ricky Proele, Ron Meeks, Ron Rivera. Those are just a few of the names we have on our epic list of coaches.

5. Sign this petition. 1,000 signatures or bust baby. If we reach the goal, I will personally bring it to Bank of America Stadium and deliver it to the PR people. Jacoby Ford to Carolina! This is my off-season project.

Those are my 5 for this week! Let me know what you guys think! If you guys like stuff like this, I'll turn this into a weekly series!

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