Panthers cheerleader farting a link against the Chicago Bears at Bank of America Stadium (Photo by Geoff Burke/Getty Images)
Editor's note: I wrote this Saturday when riding a Crazy Train, so it's definitely off the tracks after so many favorites were derailed this week. Just goes to show what premature edraftulation is worth, when it comes down to it.
I have conducted an exhaustive study in which I brazenly stole research from Buffalo Rumblings, then utilized scienterrific and stasticulation processes that are proven to be absurdly based on what I think will happen over the last three games (for all teams impacting the top picks).
It gets crazy, because the tiebreaker is the number of opponent wins, used inversively to determine pick order. Ergo, a team that sucks vs. a weak schedule picks before a team with equal suckulage vs. a strong schedule. Hencely, I had to not only predictify additional wins for the bottom feeders, but also for the teams they play against.
Such meaningless research cannot go unpublished. Results, after the jump.The key to reading the data below is as follows.
The list is my current prediction of the final draft order. Following the team name, in (#-#) is my guesstimation of the team's final record.
The wins by opponents played + wins so far by remaining opponents is next.
Then, I list the remaining games for each team, and boldified those I surmise will be wins.
Finally, for those finishing a predicted 5-11, I've added my interpolation of the of wins remaining by the teams remaining opponents (+#).
Everybody get that. Cool. My head hurts.
1. Indianapolis Colts (1-15)
2. Minnesota Vikings (3-13, 114 opponent wins) NO, @Washington, Chicago
3. St. Louis Rams (3-13, 121 opponent wins) Cin, @Pitt, San Fran
4. Jacksonville Jaguars (4-12, 105 opponent wins) @Falcons, @Ten., Colts
5. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (4-12, 112 opponent wins) Dallas, @Carolina, @Atlanta
6. Washington Redskins (5-11, 95 opponent wins) @Giants, Minnesota, @Philadelphia
7. Carolina Panthers (5-11, 105 opponent wins) @Hou, TB, @NO (+5)
8. Buffalo Bills (5-11, 107 opponent wins) Miami, Denver, @NE (+5)
9. Miami Dolphins (5-11, 109 opponent wins) @Buffalo, @New England, Jets (+4)
10. Kansas City Chiefs (5-11, 109 opponent wins) Green Bay, Oakland, @Denver (+5)
11. Cleveland Browns (5-11, 110 opponent wins) @Arizona, @Baltimore, Pittsburgh (+5)
12. Arizona Cardinals (7-9, 96 opponent wins) CLE, @CIN, Seattle
13. Philadelphia Eagles (7-9, 102 opponent wins) Jets, @Dallas, @Washington
14. Seattle Seahawks (7-9, 105 opponent wins) @CHI, San Fran, @Arizona
On behalf of all the people in my head (including Norm Crosby, master malaproper), I thank you for your indigence. The really cool thing about this list is we can play with it like play-doh every week to see what it makes. Fun, fun, fun. It would be really spectaculiar if the predictions hold true until this publishes at 8:00 on Tuesday.
Ha ha, already needs to be totally revamped. I'll fix it later (or not).