Carolina Panthers Head Coach Classified Ad!

This is inspired by a post I had commented on.  Enjoy!

Had enough yet Coach [insert name here]?  Has the roll of "just an Asst. Coach" become stale?  Does the University got you down?!  Want a real challenge?!  This is the opportunity you've been waiting for!  The Carolina Panthers are seeking a fundamental oriented, offensive or even defensive-minded, patient, people person, to fill the Head Coach position!

Responsibilities and Expectations include:

  • Take an athletically talented, yet tragically horrid and misguided football team and make it competitive.
  • Tickle and nurture a damaged and tortured fanbase with your football prowess, consistency and success.
  • Create a gameplan utilizing the players on your roster.
  • Don't ever say, "It is what it is..."  
  • Score more than 16 TD's in one season.
  • Hire an intelligent and respectable coaching staff.   (e.g. not people from Cleveland)

Benefits include:

  • #1 Pick in the 2011 NFL Draft!    (Sorry, no 2nd rounder... hehe!)
  • Lots of Cap space to assemble your team!   
  • Asst. Coaching vacancies galore!  (Bring in all your old, favorite pals to fill the ranks!)
  • Plenty of influence and "say so" in an organization in disarray that's desperate for something positive!  
  • A fully functional power run game at your disposal!  
  • An army of faithful fans ready for change!

Employment Requirements:

  • No prior association with the Cleveland Browns offensive system.
  • You must have personally insulted Jeff Davidson to his face.
  • You must know, understand and demonstrate that touchdowns are important in winning a game.
  • You must acknowledge running a draw on every 3rd and long is bad.
  • You have read and acknowledge the Disclaimer (see below).

So line up coaches!!  Hire who you want, sign who you want and draft who you want!  Assemble the team YOU want!   Do it YOUR way!  You can't go wrong here!  Be the man responsible for bringing an ailing and distraught franchise from the tumultuous depths of underachievement to the heights of victory!  

Disclaimer:  Ownership and Management does not accept responsibility in ANY eclectic, inconsistent, or WTF  play from any OL, QB, FB, TE, WR, DT, CB, FS and/or SS.  Ownership and Management are universally immune to any residual play and/or effects from decisions prior to and during the 2010 season.  Head Coach will accept all responsibility from any personnel decisions made by CEO or GM.  This includes, youth movements, trading 2nd round picks, releasing players with extended contracts, etc.


Here's to 2011, a new coaching regime, and a new Carolina Panthers team!  Happy New Year y'all!

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